Dakota Fanning wins posthumous award
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 17, 2018, 00:28:UTC)(
20 January 2007
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Upon learning that the brutal, on-screen rape of her 12-year-old daughter, the late Dakota Fanning, was probably “not quite enough” to land her an Oscar, the young actress’ mother, Joy, personally slew her while filming a scene for the as-yet-unreleased snuff film Moloch’s Daughter. As it turns out, the stage mom made the right decision, she learned this morning in a telephone call from the director of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, which presents the coveted award: “Dakota’s been singled out as a posthumous honoree.”
The award will be presented to Joy in a special ceremony at an as-yet-undisclosed location.
Asked her reaction to the news, Joy told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies, “Are you kidding? I’m ecstatic! I’m overjoyed!” She said she would have to go shopping for an outfit to wear when she accepted the Oscar on behalf of her late daughter. “Look out Rodeo Drive,” she cried, giggling, “here I come!”
Hounddog, the movie in which Dakota starred prior to her last role as a child sacrifice in the snuff film called for her rape while nearly nude, but, Joy assured the public, she, “as Dakota’s mother,” and a studio-paid California Child Protective Services worker were present to see that Dakota was not scarred for life by having to enact the traumatic scene. “I figured she’d get an Oscar for sure for that scene, but they told me, no. It wasn’t quite enough. That’s when I thought, hell, I’ll kill the little bitch. They wouldn’t have the heart to turn her down after I’d cut my own daughter's heart out to win the award--to win it for her, I mean.”
In the Moloch’s Daughter scene, Joy played the mother of the sacrificial victim, stabbing Dakota with a foot-long knife and twisting the blade in her chest. “She bled profusely,” the actress’ mother said proudly. “Right up to the last second, she was a trooper, and, now, all her hard work has paid off: she’s won the Academy Award. They like her! They really like her!”
Joy said she has “good news" for moviegoers, filmmakers, and, yes, the Academy, too: at the last minute, she decided not to cremate Dakota’s remains as she had planned to do. “We put her in the crematorium oven, because the Moloch’s Daughter script called for her remains to be cremated, but I had a brainstorm--why not mummify her? That way, I could use her in future films. She was a great actress. Why should I deprive her adoring public of the chance to see her again? She’ll make a great corpse in death scenes, and she could even play a zombie in horror films.”
In fact, Joy says, Deborah Kempmeier, who wrote both Hounddog and Moloch’s Daughter, has written a sequel to the snuff film, which is tentatively called Moloch’s Slaughter and will be directed by Mel Gibson of Apocalypto and The Passion of the Christ fame. “This could be Dakota’s chance for a second Oscar,” Joy said. “Maybe I should buy two outfits!”