UnNews:Daily Mail Used to Have a Red Top

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23 May 2008

DailyMail
"Should be Red at the Top, and shouldn't be in calligraphic font"

Oxford, England, New England - A shocking discovery has been made by scientists working in Oxford's Media Studies centre. The Daily Mail newspaper may used to have had a red top. This would imply that it is more closely related to the Sun and the Daily Star rather than the larger, bigger brained species, the Broadsheets.

"If we take an average Daily Mail columnist," says one Dr Pete McCulloch, "And give him a piece of paper with the words: "windows virus" he will typically write:

VIRUS AIRBORNE, we aren't safe! The Deadly Virus may enter our homes through our windows! Studies have shown that the Virus can KILL us and travels through the air. A survey among Daily Mail readers confirmed that the Virus was brought to England by Islamic Immigrants. 90% of you think that the Government is not doing enough to combat this deadly threat to our society.

Which is more like the Sun's:

VIRUS ENTERS THROUGH WINDOWS AND KILLS BABIES! 99% of our readers think that Viruses can kill us. Clever clogs scientists show virus can fly! Jade Goody is visiting Tony Blair this week to make the LAZY New Labour Government do something about the DEADLY VIRUS before it kills us all!

Than the Times':

NHS System down: A Virus attacked the billion pound NHS computer system this week, causing a 2 hr lapse in function. The Virus attacked the Windows Operating System (OS) on which the computers were running. NHS IT spokesman, Donald Trouserpress said: "This won't happen again, it was a human error at a low level, and our procedures have been adjusted accordingly"

Which would suggest that the Daily Mail is, in fact, just another Tabloid."

This breakthrough would mean that the claims in Daily Mail might actually be exaggerated and stupid. "Yes it's true," says Dr Barbara McGimmock, "Gone are the days when Immigration Causes Cancer! and Policeman Kills Five White Teenagers In PC Gone Mad Scandal!. It's like a breath of fresh air. Now all the newspapers we need to listen to tell us is that our children aren't as clever as they should be, and that the NHS doesn't make everyone immortal."

The news is reassuring following polls that more than half of us disliked doom and gloom headlines, and that 60% of us didn't trust newspapers that had more than half of their front pages occupied by the words "Asylum Seekers". The Scientists are now working on a theory to show that The Telegraph is actually the result of a cross breeding of The Times and The Daily Mail before they fully diverged, though there has yet to be any speculation as to how these findings will afect houseprices.


edit Sources

  • "Article on UnNews may be a parody of the Daily Mail's stupid idea that it is cleverer than its size implies", Justin Caseitwasunclear, The Joke Explanation Times, 11,05,2008
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