UnNews:Daeg Faerch fans to sabotage "Halloween II" test screenings
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Daeg Faerch fans to sabotage "Halloween II" test screenings
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 00:44:UTC)(
29 July 2009
Los Angeles, California — Diehard fans of the young actor Daeg Faerch are staging an elaborate plan to sabotage the upcoming LA test screenings of Rob Zombie's upcoming horror sequel Halloween II. Fans are angry over the March 3 incident in which Faerch — who played Young Michael Myers in the 2007 Halloween remake and, briefly, this film — was fired due to his increased height and physical maturity. Faerch had completed filming all of his scenes on set in Georgia shortly before being dropped. He was ultimately replaced by a young actor by the name of Chase Wright Vanek, whom Faerch fans have dubbed "Cheese" and "Chase Wrong Vanek". This casting change proved to be the most controversial in film history since that of replacing Pierce Brosnan with Daniel Craig as James Bond in the 2006 reboot Casino Royale.
"We want justice," says longtime Halloween fan Dilbert Furtle, who recently attended a test screening in New York, "the New York test screening sucked balls! We are doing this for the sake of justice and revenge. Nobody replaces Daeg Faerch... NOBODY!!! Tonight, Rob Zombie dines in Hell!"
The New York reviews are in and that city's test screening was a massively epic fail.
“From the moment I heard "Nights in White Satin" for the 7 billionth time to the first appearance of that poser Chase Wright Vanek, I knew Halloween was as good as dead.”
“Chase Wrong Vanek ruined the film for me. Please, Rob, for the love of God, bring Daeg back!”
“Replacing Daeg Faerch with the lovechild of a Daeg lookalike and a piece of shit makes this look like a different, and thus inferior, film. About 100% of the people in the focus group said they didn't like Chase's scenes at all, which made up 98% of the movie, and I'm sure will now be sliced down pretty heavily.”
“A lot was also said afterward about the fact that we see a lot of Michaels (sic) face in this film. He has a very long beard and looks a lot like Zombie, himself which I wasn't sure if that was on purpose or not.”
“But to me and 100% of the others there, this [Daeg/Chase casting change] isn't a good thing.”
“In the film's current state, he is more like Jason, not Michael.”
The LA test screening will take place next week, but the solid date is currently unknown. Fans, however, are encouraged to dress up as Young Michael or any other Daeg Faerch character from his prolific filmography — Frank the Zombie from Frank's First Love, the foul-mouthed Alisdair Romer from Coming to Town, the foul-mouthed French boy Michel from Hancock, fart-lighting Elvis Boy from Pedoefyle.com, Ingmar Todd from TV's canceled Pushing Daisies, etc. — and protest outside the theater and in. They will attend the test screening and tear Chase Wright Vanek to shreds every time he appears on screen; they will then trash him further in writing and put their hatred into the suggestions/improvements box after the movie. Fans will shout out from a list of insult lines, including but not limited to "That's not Daeg Faerch!", "This kid sucks, bring Daeg back!", "That's not Young Michael Myers!", and "It's Daeg or Nothing!"
For those of you who could not attend the New York screening and cannot attend the one in LA, but still want to rock the boat and contribute to the return of Faerch as Young Michael Myers, you are encouraged to write/email the following people:
The Weinstein Company
Robert "Rob Zombie" Cummings
CC: Malek Akkad, Bob & Harvey Weinstein
Weinstein Company LLC
345 Hudson St., 13th Fl.
New York, NY 10014
666 Traitor Blvd.
Hell, USA 00666-0666
Rob Zombie has recently commented on the test screenings, saying
|“|| We tested it last week in New York and now we're finishing the movie, editing. Next week we'll test it in L.A. To say that the screening went horribly bad would be a gross understatement. People liked it for the most part, but were ready to lynch me every time Chase appeared on screen. Even worse, I have no intention of using the Halloween theme in this film. I just try to sit in the audience and feel the fury... so that they don't pelt me with trash. This film is destined for Oscar gold.
— Rob Zombie
Unless the powers-that-be actually listen to us for once and massively overhaul Halloween II for an October release, the film will be released August 28, the same day as the fourth Final Destination outing... in 3-D!
- Christy Lemire "Halloween II New York test screening EPIC FAIL! No Halloween 3 for Rob Zombie". Associated Press, July 27, 2009
- Ryan Rotten "SDCC: Rob Zombie admits negative response to Halloween II test screening". Shock Till You Drop, July 25, 2009
- Glenn Beck "Rob Zombie pulls a Joel Schumacher and kills the Halloween franchise... unless you sign petition!". CNN, July 27, 2009