UnNews:DEAR LEADER is great
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DEAR LEADER is great
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 06:55:UTC)(
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This UnNews story is a reprint of an article from our sister wiki, Uncyclopedia.kp, North Korea's "Wiki that state-approved people can edit"
LEADERTON CITY, North Korea -- At a celebration held in the recently renamed capital of North Korea, DEAR LEADER announced that the chocolate ration is being raised from thirty grams per month to twenty. Upon hearing the news the entirety of North Korea broke out in rapturous applause, as is obligatory after KIM JONG-IL proclamations.
The President of the SPA (Supreme People's Assembly), Kim Yong-nam, warmed up the crowd at Leaderton, formerly P'yŏngyang, with a rousing rendition of 'DEAR LEADER is Friend and Compatriot to All Citizens of North Korea' before turning the assembly over to DEAR LEADER who is, by force of law, friend and compatriot to all citizens of North Korea.
"Who likes coco?" said DEAR LEADER after taking the mic from Kim Yong-nam and holding it in his giant, manly hands.
"I said, 'Who likes coco?'" KIM JONG-IL repeated more loudly, to be heard over the sound of snipers' gunshots. DEAR LEADER, chairman of the NDC (National Defence Commission), has long favored the use of firearms to eliminate those unpatriotic Koreans who are unwilling or unable to adequately elucidate their love of chocolate.
One attendee of the mandatory celebration commented, "I knew that DEAR LEADER had some excellent news up his sleeve. When he came out he had that look on his face, y'know?, like he'd just crapped out a golden goose egg or something."
DEAR LEADER recently mandated that all variants of his name appear in all-caps. KIM JONG-IL decided this after playing a round of golf at Mount Paektu Democratic People's Country Club, North Korea's world-class 18-hole golf course, which he designed himself with no help from anyone. One member of DEAR LEADER's golfing party stated that KIM JONG-IL golfed an excellent game, averaging a hole-in-one on each hole, as DEAR LEADER always does.
DEAR LEADER taught Jack Nicolaus everything he knows about golf. It's true.
It is well known in North Korea that DEAR LEADER enjoys his ration of chocolate, as do all the other citizens of North Korea. This reporter, for one, thanks the benevolent KIM JONG-IL for inventing chocolate. DEAR LEADER is known worldwide for many good things, like exploring the moon, bowling a perfect game on Wii Sports, and winning all of the events in the last Democratic People's Republic of Korea Olympics; the only Olympics sponsored by KIM JONG-IL himself.
KIM JONG-IL is, in fact, great. So great that even the evil king of America, Presidentgeorge Dubyabush, praised our DEAR LEADER and our nation during a recent speech at the UN (United Nations), a gentlemen's club created by our DEAR LEADER's mother, MRS LEADER, as a place for the world to pay tribute to GREAT LEADER and DEAR LEADER in exchange for North Korea agreeing to continue to pursue great things, like building the bomb or the highly successful weight-loss program. "I, for one, think that DEAR LEADER is great," said Mister Presidentgeorge, "and the people of America also agree that he is great. Together GREAT LEADER and DEAR LEADER form the 'Axis of Awesome'."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|