UnNews:D.U.I. accidents to no longer blame driver
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D.U.I. accidents to no longer blame driver
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 28, 2016, 13:46:UTC)(
6 July 2010
IDAHO FALLS, Idaho -- The North American Brewers Association (N.A.B.A) met today to release their findings in a study that this reporter can only describe as groundbreaking. The Study of police reports from 35 major cities in the United States involving driving under the influence arrests shows clearly that 98% of all accidents leading to arrest were actually not the drivers fault. The findings shown below conclude that nature and technology are truly to blame in these situations. A spokesman for the N.A.B.A. said:
"If Congress has any sense they will ease the restrictions on driving while drunk and point the finger where it needs to be - irresponsible sober people. If everyone was equally merry after a healthy night in the bar, they would be able swerve around each other without causing any injury. It's the non-drinkers who are the real problem, driving in straight lines and calling out the police when law enforcers are better employed rounding up Illegals and dumping them back across the Rio Grande."
Later in the press conference that followed the public release of findings , the N.A.B.A spokesman added:
"We will be collaborating with a Congressional delegation later this month on the possibility of suing mother nature and the auto industry." The N.A.B.A. spokesman was seen leaving the conference with a half empty liter of vodka. We will be watching this situation very closely in the months to come.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|