UnNews:Cyrus's latest foray into sluttiness shows no corporate influence

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11 December 2013

Miley Cyrus

Cyrus was awarded MTV's "Performer" of the Year award. The relevant details are occluded here to avoid "censorship" drama.

HOLLYWOOD, California -- Child star Miley Cyrus has again paraded herself as a sex object to America' teenagers — but this time, the fingerprints of deceased cartoon mogul Walt Disney are nowhere to be seen.

Cyrus's new campaign of wiggling her butt provocatively began at the MTV Music Awards last August. For a woman to move that part of her anatomy seductively was so unprecedented that Encyclopedia Britannica coined the term "twerking" to describe it.

Sociologists have tried ever since to explain the phenomenon. Sir David Attenborough, for his part, said it was a mating ritual that reflected the shared DNA between humans and albatrosses.

Speaking of the latter, it is received wisdom among UnNews reporters (most of whom are under thirteen) that the former girl formerly known as "Hannah Montana" is the latest victim of Walt Disney Pictures, which has mechanically converted lovable child starlets into revenue-producing sluts ever since it ruined the life of Annette Funicello, who as an adult, became known not as a Mouseketeer but as the "nation's trollop."

Unfortunately for journalistic ethics, the current "twerking" craze shows no signs of being guided by the film studio, and in fact, may be a case of Cyrus "going rogue." Consequently, dozens of UnNews articles that took it as a given that Disney was making Cyrus writhe and flirt as a way to fluff up its own corporate bottom line may now have to be rewritten. This would take time away from the business of offering incisive reporting on worldwide events, especially in the case that a celebrity like Nelson Mandela were to die.

This and many other venerated news outlets will continue to strive to take America back to a simpler time, in which any inexplicable social trends are fit into the comforting old paradigm of relentless corporate greed.

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