UnNews:Cyprus ex-President Papadopoulos resurrected, trying to revive allies
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Cyprus ex-President Papadopoulos resurrected, trying to revive allies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 11:20:UTC)(
11 March 2010
NICOSIA, Greece -- The resurrected corpse of former Cyprus President Tassos Papadopoulos was located in a graveyard outside the capital attempting to revive corpses of his former political allies. Papadopoulos, the hard-line leader of the Greek prefecture of Cyprus, was resurrected on December 11th, 2009, almost one year after his death. Papadopoulos was able to single-handedly lift a 300 kilogram slab of granite covering his grave.
Papadopoulos was both loved and hated in Cyprus. Indigenous Greek Cypriots loved him as he tried to get them the best deal in their negotiation with the Turkish minority. He was, however, hated by the Turkish invaders because he refused to grant them independence. Over his career, he tried desperately to cleanse Cyprus of its Turkish problem. Any tactic, both hard and soft, were employed by Papadopoulos to clear Cyprus of its Turkeys. Soft tactics included offering bribes and hot Greek women to those who left Cyprus. Hard line tactics included burning their homes, stealing their women, and bombing their cities.
Many Turkish Cypriots left when offered the money and women but when Papadopoulos realized it wasn't enough to clear out the island he turned to more hard line tactics. Once Papadopoulos turned to more hard-line tactics, the Turkeys became more emboldend and refused to leave. The final solution came in 2004 when Papadopoulos held a referendum making it legal to shoot any Turkey any where at any time. The referendum was narrowly defeated, thanks in parts to Turkish Cypriots voting an overwhelming No on the referendum.
It was said that he was working on another diabolical plan to destroy the Turkish population when he suddenly died of lung cancer in December of 2008. He remained dead for almost a year until he was resurrected by the power of the Holy Spirit. It was originally believed that Papadopoulos' body was stolen by evil Turkish infidels but it was later proven that Papadopoulos was indeed resurrected by none other than Jesus Christ himself.
When Papadopoulos was found in the graveyard resurrecting his allies he simply told UnNews that he was carrying out "God's work by riding Cyprus of its evil Muslim infidels and making it into a Christian Greek nation". Cyprus President Dimitris Christofias has stepped down and offered the presidency back to Papadopoulos. Papadopoulos says he is honoured by the gesture and quickly took Christofias up on his offer. Now that he is president again, Papadopoulos, told UnNews "No more Mr. Nice Guy". He says all Turks have 90 days to leave the island or face the "Wrath of God".
- Michele Kambas "Ex-president's body stolen for ransom, Cyprus says". Reuters, March 9th, 2010