UnNews:Cutty Sark Arsonist was Escaped Dutch Privateer
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Cutty Sark Arsonist was Escaped Dutch Privateer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 20:30:UTC)(
14 June 2007
LONDON, ENGLAND - The recent attack on ancient tea clipper the 'Cutty Sark' has been confirmed as a violent act of pircay against the English nation. The Dutch Captain Marquis Djork Van der Vandiljkjje has claimed he and his motley crew/crue sacked the ship in an attempt to "plunder its riches".
edit Ye Scandale
Donned in traditional pirate regalia, a press conference was held in Barbados, where the Marquis' galleon 'The Heirophant' is moored. Van der Vandiljkjje desribed his attack on the ship as 'a merry jaunt lest ye feel me scabbards prick' and went on to cite the British Navy's lax enforcement of local piracy laws. The district of Greenwich, London remained free of pillage as the crew of the Heirophant stated their intentions purely as financial, and that they saw little benefit in pillaging the locals since the replacement of the 'piece'o'eight' with pound sterling (£). The governor/Major's daughter has remained safe.
edit Ye Escape from Prisone
The Marquis recently escaped the hangman's noose following a duel with the Iranian Navy after the Heirophant was spotted in what the Iranian government claim to be their waters. Van der Vandiljkjje was boarded by the Iranian seamen and soon imprisoned in the Iranian garrison of Durkistan. Whilst preparing for a broadcast from Iran to Denmark, the Marquis was able to obtain the keys to his cell from a nearby dog, and made a daring escape across the Durkistan ramparts. Reports of him lashing two turtles together to form a raft are unfounded.
edit Ole' Motive
The English blame the attack on the improperly liberal Dutch laws regarding sex and drugs, as stated by the ArchBishop of Canterbury, and that the captain of the Hierophant was probably 'off his mash' at the time. The Dutch Prime Minister, Bjorj van Halen, was unavailable for comment but his rehabilitation co-ordinator confirmed he was making sterling progress.
edit Ye Wrathe
Upon return to his ship the Marquis set sail for England and happened upon the Cutty Sark whilst sightseeing from his spyglass. Under a reign of cannon and musket fire the Sark burned, ruining a recently begun restoration of the monument and destroying any chance of repair. The Cutty Sark flew its colours moments after the attack and the lead curator at the local musem offered the Marquis his sword by way of surrender.
As the creator of the universe, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has gone on record as saying that whilst pirates are often considered benevolent and saintly, this one is a complete dick.
NOTE - The validity of this comment has been questioned by the Christian Right of America.
edit Ye Subsequent Press Coverage
Van der Vandiljkjje is now intending on touring the Spanish Main, and is also expected to host The Friday Night Project after keelhauling the scheduled presenter. Arrgh!