UnNews:Culling of Staten Islanders protested
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Culling of Staten Islanders protested
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 27, 2017, 08:54:UTC)(
17 August 2013
On August 13, USDA workers began capturing, neutering, and then releasing Staten Islanders in an effort to lower the population to a manageable level.
A USDA spokeswoman stressed Tuesday that NJ authorities "requested assistance to decrease the problem of unmanageable Staten Islanders at local beaches, bars and family vacation spots, citing noise and sanitation problems as well as aggressive behavior toward area residents." The New York State Department of Environmental Conservation issued a "permit to depopulate Staten Island" to lessen those problems.
However, many citizens gathered yesterday to protest the action and ask if something else could be done.
"It's a horrible, horrible practice -- it's disgusting," said Bill Peterson, a local resident. "Sure they are annoying, but they help our local economy."
"It's really shocking" said another resident, requesting anonymity. "Everyone here was in shock. We were told before the beginning of the summer that authorites were going to be alter their summer migration route to a New York shore area, maybe Coney Island, so this proposal seems a bit too extreme to me."
"It was not possible to reroute the Islanders without the risk of impacting the gene pool in other, as yet unaffected, communities", USDA workers explained, "so we need to make them safe for the general public to coexist with. They will be humanely caught, neutered and then allowed to continue living the way they did before, and in a few years there will just be less of them. We also find they are less aggressive after the procedure, which has an immediate positive effect.
In Seaside Heights, we noted a group of a dozen Islanders entering a night club. The owner, when asked about them, commented, "You hate to see them approaching your business, but you do get used to their crazy behavior. If you have a heart, you feel bad or them, I think they just don't realize the damage they're doing."
Still many people where appreciative some measure of control would be forthcoming. Beatrice Harding, a summer rental agent had this to say, "They call and arrange to rent a place for a few weeks and it all seems fine, but when they check out you see the carnage. They leave their droppings all over, empty beer containers and used condoms, it's not sanitary." She continued. "Every night it's chaos, lots of people are afraid of them, they screech their mating calls, jump on top of cars, and urinate on the shrubbery."
Then there's the problem of them coming in such large numbers, they travel in huge groups, both male and females so drunk or high that they are oblivious to everything around them. To Illustrate the problem, an ambulance was forced to suddenly stop, as the Islanders mindlessly ambled across the middle of the busy street to some unknown destination.
There are no plans for additional culling of Islanders beyond the tri-state area. The USDA spokesman noted that, "The Spring Break areas are used to this kind of situation and the Islanders are not as much of a problem there. Apparently when mixed with similar type groups from other parts of the country, a natural balance occurs that keeps the Islanders in check."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|