UnNews:Critics discard Microsoft-Novell agreement as unfunny joke
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Critics discard Microsoft-Novell agreement as unfunny joke
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 12:24 (UTC)
4 November 2006
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WALTHMOND, MASSACHINGTON, USA — Critics are reported being unimpressed by the new Software Industry Records wannabe hit, Microsoft-Novell Joint Conference on Their Plans to Fucking Kill Linux. According to UnNews measurements, the collective "meh-o-meter" reached its peak when Microsoft and Novell speakers announced "improved interoperability between OpenDocument and Microsoft Open XML", expecting a burst of laughter — and found out, to their shock, that not only the audience didn't utter a single sound, but most of them had departed to the dream world about fifty sentences ago.
As reported by attender and long-term UnNews collaborator Oscar Wilde, while Novell's performance was "tolerable", Microsoft's part was rated somewhere between "pathetic even to the apathetic" and "slightly below disastrous". The worst of all, according to Wilde, was the Microsoft leading performer, seasoned stand-up comedian Steve Ballmer. "This guy jumped the shark so long ago, as well as Kanye West... shortly after our The Uncyclopendium trio broke up," he says.
"Seriously," adds attender only known as L. T., "I was disappointed. To think that the Microsoft CEO, the author of such ingenious comedic sketches as Linux is Communism and Potentially Viral Software would resort to these cheap and tacky monologues... I mean, come on. "Interoperable solutions"? "Patent protection"? Yawn. Not funny in the loosest definition of funny in the universe. They do send good kernel patches, though. But don't tell RMS or Red Hat I said that."
An group of Uncyclopedia admins has been reported throwing copies of HTBFANJS, Uncyclopedia's basic guide to humor, at Novell and especially Microsoft representatives after the show was over. "Just read it, you artist wannabes!" yelled Codeine. "The best humor is one closest to the truth! Direct opposite of the truth, like Microsoft befriending open source, is not funny! Not a tiny bit!"
On his way out of the building, Ballmer ran into Mark Shuttleworth standing near an elevator, giving away free Ubuntu CDs in return for money and reffering freinds to Ubuntu.com. Although observers expected him going in vengeful fury, threatening to Fucking Kill him, and Ubuntu, and Debian, and whatever Debian fork RMS throws into the equation, he just smiled, saying in a creepy voice: "We'll see... about that", and then slowly walked out to everyone's utter disappointment.
According to a poll conducted by UnNews, the absolutely worst part of the show was the bit when Ballmer took out a Russian accordion and violently compressed it, saying: "And let this be the fate of those who stand against our vision of open source!" This, according to people interviewed by UnNews, made them finally realize that Ballmer was past his prime — that no new feats of him could amuse in the same way as his famous chair-throwing gag.
- Microsoft.com "Ballmer vows not to sue SUSE users, like anybody cares". Microsoft, November (April?) 2006