Crippled Boy Arrested For Sitting During the Pledge of Allegiance
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, January 18, 2019, 20:25:UTC)(
1 December 2011
ARLEN, Texas -- Ricky Murphy, an eighth grader at Tom Landry Middle School, was taken into police custody Wednesday morning for refusing to stand up during the Pledge of Allegiance. Murphy had broken his leg the day before and reportedly used that injury to explain the offensive gesture to his astounded teacher and classmates.
The teacher immediately called the police, and Murphy was beaten to a pulp and charged with treason. According to officials, Murphy attempted several times to defend his actions by pointing out how handicaps make it difficult for a person to stand up in any situation.
"It was the lamest story I ever heard," said local policeman Fred Brown. "No real American would let something as minuscule as a broken leg stop them from giving our flag the respect it deserves!"
When asked to comment, the flag said nothing, presumably still in shock from the crime committed in its wake. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy expressed disgust at what their child had done.
"The kid had such a bright future ahead of him, and he wasted it all away with his crazy social rebellion," said Mr. Murphy.
"Why did my poor baby have to let the terrorists win?" cried Mrs. Murphy.
Religious freedom organizations have been quick to jump on the controversy, claiming that Murphy would remain sitting until the "G-word" was removed from the pledge. LGBT organizations claim that Murphy won't even look in the flag's direction until there was liberty and justice for the less fortunate. As usual, none of the organizations have been given any attention.
"I'm not trying to advocate anything or make any kind of statement," said Murphy when finally reached for comment. "I have a fucking broken leg!"
The district attorney, seeing his lack of remorse, plans to try Murphy as an adult.
"Giving him anything less than the death penalty would be an insult to this fine nation," said the D.A. "It wouldn't matter if he was four or fourteen, and we've already executed plenty of four-year-olds anyway, so..."
Because no lawyer in their right mind would defend such a human, Murphy is now considered legally screwed. Upon hearing this, Murphy declined to comment and curled up in the corner of his cell.
The trial is set to begin and end tomorrow.
- Paul Walsh "3 students suspended for sitting out Pledge of Allegiance". The Seattle Times, May 12, 2008