UnNews:Crime Rates Amazingly Low, Criminals Encouraged to Break the Law
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Crime Rates Amazingly Low, Criminals Encouraged to Break the Law
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 1, 2017, 00:40:UTC)(
13 July 2008
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Washington, D.C., the capital of the United States of America, is always a crime-infested city. Its only real competition is Los Angeles, and both countries seem to alternate who wins the coveted, prestigious award for most murders every year. The two are never disturbed by any other city in the US. Now, however, it looks as though Los Angeles will steal the title with practically no effort at all.
Surprisingly enough, Washington D.C.'s crime rates have dropped at an alarming speed, placing them at twelfth place in overall crimes taken place thus far this year. The WDC police can't explain the phenomenon, saying that things have been done normally.
The mayor of the city, distraught at losing such an enviable winning streak, issued this heartfelt plea:
|“||We can't quite explain what has happened. Well, I suppose we can, but we're completely lost as to why. The crime rates of Washington, D.C. have dropped to shamefully low levels - shuffles through papers Twelth place in the country! Usually we are right up there with LA, but not this year. So to fix that, all of you criminals out there who are watching, reading, or hearing this, start committing more crimes. We're behind by ridiculous amounts, so you have to go out help us. Be a patriot! Be a True American! In fact, we'll give the police force a day off, so things will be easier for you. Now go out there and commit some crimes, so we can be back up at the top!||”|
—Adrian Fenty, the mayor of Washington, D.C.
After his statement requesting crime, the rest of the world seemed appalled, perhaps at this threat to their dominance of the crime tables.