UnNews:Creationist who stabbed and killed evolutionist given community service, probation
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
17 December 2007
PRINCETON, New Jersey (UnNews) - A man convicted of stabbing and killing a biochemist because he believed in evolution has been given a conditional sentence consisting of community service and a year's probation. Isaac Charles "IC" York-Hunt, 33, of Scotland was given the conditional sentence by Judge Andrew Schlafly because, according to Judge Schlafly, the defendant killed for "the right reasons" and also because of his lack of a criminal record. The jury, made up of a panel of local New Jersey high schoolers, found York-Hunt guilty of the lesser charge of involuntary manslaugher. The jury acquitted York-Hunt of the charge of first degree murder. They contend that the defendant only stabbed the victim when the victim had the audacity to question God's literal truth.
One of the jurors Terrence "TK" Kelley remarked "although we know that murder is a crime, it is completely understandable and natural to want to slaughter anyone who even dares to question the divine truths contained in this sacred text. We acknowlege what Mr. York-Hunt did was wrong but we also acknowledge the circumstances in which he acted. God teaches forgiveness and mercy and I plead with you Judge Schlafly to have mercy on this poor man just as Jesus does on all of us. Besides its not like the victim was a Christian or anything. He was a heathen evolutionist atheist anyways. The defendant actually did us a favour by getting rid of him".
Judge Schlafly concurred with the jury's recommendation for leniency when passing the sentence. He addressed the defendant saying "I know what you did was wrong but your heart was in the right place. Not many people today would kill for God and it demonstrates your remarkable faith. I commend you for that. However, even though atheists, evolutionists, liberals, and homosexuals are the scum of the Earth and deserve death, it is not our place to kill them. That is the job of God. On the other hand, God also teaches forgiveness. Your admission of responsibility, the victim's atheism, your lack of a criminal record, and your strong Christian convictions are all mitigating factors in this case. That is why I am handing down a conditional sentence. If you can stop killing heathens and keep God's Commandments for a year, you will have no criminal record. You're free to go sir, may you go in peace to love and serve the Lord". York-Hunt thanked the Judge and promptly left the courtroom.
The stabbing took place in Australia in January 2006. Mr. Boa Constrictor, 28, was stabbled by York-Hunt after a heated argument about Darwin's theory of evolution. Constrictor, a bio-chemist and his girlfriend, also a biochemist were trying to convince York-Hunt that belief in God was stupid and childish, akin to believing in the Easter bunny or the Tooth fairy. He said that the Bible is nothing more than a collection of fairy tales and anyone who believes it is a moron. Enraged, York-Hunt picked up a butcher knife and drove it deep into the victim's chest. The victim died within seconds. York-Hunt was quickly arrested and charged with first degree murder. He was remanded to custody until trial.
York-Hunt's lawyer, Phillip E. Johnson, argued that his client would not be able to get a fair trial anywhere in Australia. Australia, with an intelligent and well-educated population, were extremely biased against creationists. In order to get a fair trial, Johnson argued, the trial would have to be moved to a venue where creationists were viewed with more sympathy. Judge Paul Hogan accepted Johnson's recommendation and the trial was moved from Sydney, Australia to Princeton, New Jersey where Judge Andrew Schlafly would preside over the case.
Upon being transferred from Australia to New Jersey, Judge Schlafly immediately set bail at $50, which York-Hunt was easily able to meet. Because the trial was moved to New Jersey, Johnson believed that his client was able to get the fair-trial he deserved. Upon his client's sentence, Johnson was reportedly pleased with the result but was slightly disappointed it was not a complete acquittal. Still, Johnson says, "the result is a whole lot better here than it would have been in Australia. Those kangaroo-screwing heathens would have hung my client for what he did. Thank God we're in America" As for York-Hunt, he plans to put this whole incident behind him and move on in his life. He has future plans of entering the ministry.