This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
21 May 2008
NEW YORK CITY, New York- A crazed gunman held up a cat today causing much despair among cat lovers.
Max being held up by the gunman
The gun drew his gun, fired rapidly and then pointed it at a helpless kitty named Max. While a crowd gathered around and police shouted into their megaphones that the man should "not shoot the poor kitty" people waited patiently for the SWAT team to arrive. Unfortunately, the SWAT team was busy reading to blind children at the moment and felt that "not reading to the poor, blind children would be a dick move." When the situation became grim help came in the most unlikely form. A cat named PJ got a hold of a sniper rifle and pointed it at the gunman. After warning the gunman three times the cat fired a warning shot. The gunman failing to see the sniper kept the gun pointed at Max. Pj then fired a bullet into the gunman's head saving the day.
Pj taking a shot at the gunman
The cat lovers who sadly observed the tragedy sudden;y cheered as the man was instantly killed. They cheered PJ with chants of "good kitty". Not everyone was rejoicing though. The gunman's parents weeped for their son. "He didn't take his Paxel today." Mandy Morris cried. "He wasn't a bad boy. He was crazy he couldn't help it." The father, Michael Morris also expressed his grief over his dead son. "Why could they hire a negotiator?" he commented. The Morris's vow that they will get compensation for their son's murder. "We plan to sue the cat for the damage he caused to this family." Soon after Mr. Morris made that announcement he was chased off by a mob of angry cat lovers. Meanwhile the SWAT had a enormously successful day reading to blind children. "We care so much for the unfortunate children of the world." Dan Lowes commented. "I believe it is our duty to make the world a better place in every aspect."