UnNews:Crash of Germanwings plane is a mystery

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Crash of Germanwings plane is a mystery

Fake News that's honestly fake

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 04:10:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

24 March 2015

Tsipras

Greek Prime Minister Tsipras gets a kick out of the fact that mayhem and calamity "can happen to you Germans too."

ALL OVER THE PLACE, France -- An Airbus A320 flying from Barcelona to Dudeldorf, Germany has crashed over southern France and investigators say the reason remains a mystery.

However, Senior UnNews Editors speculate, based on their intimate knowledge of southern France, that the pilot and co-pilot probably wanted a better view of the topless beaches on the French Riviera. And who wouldn't?

Germanwings Flight 9525 had been assigned a cruising altitude of 38,000 feet but had deviated from that level and was descending at a relatively quick 3,000 feet per minute. Below 10,000 feet, the air is breathable, and the crew might also have wanted a whiff of the exotic perfumes worn by jet-setters and movie starlets.

Investigators' first clue will be how widely the wreckage is scattered. Todd Curtis, a safety engineer with the Airsafe Foundation, says, "If you see a wing here and a fuselage over there, one doesn't have to be an expert to speculate that there has been a crash."

The plane sent out no distress call during the 8-minute descent, and finally personnel at an air traffic control center did it for themselves. The carrier said the plane carried two babies, dozens of cute kittens, and many high school students "on what should have been the happiest day of the year." German hottie Angela Merkel called the event "a tragedy on our soil," as Germany owns France through a network of linked subsidiaries and shell corporations. French President François Hollande agreed that it was tragic, unless the passengers were unnecessarily rich.

A black box has already been found at the crash site. This is a strong indication that sushi was served on-board. Even if it was merely a stock lunch-pail, it will give clues as to what the passengers had as their fateful last meal. However, if it turns out to be a rare black Hello Kitty diary belonging to an emo, investigators will be stymied, as there is no way to break the locks on those things.

In the U.S., President Obama anticipated questions and volunteered that no one has any evidence that this was yet another case of Muslim Jihad, and that in fact there is nothing about militant Islam that people should worry about. Rank-and-file Americans are applying themselves to learning the names of the victims, and even those with no aspirations to higher office are signing up for genealogy services to be able to establish some personal link to the tragedy.

edit Sources



Updated: 26 March 2015

MARSEILLE, France -- Barely a day after the New York Times reported that the voice recorder of Flight 9525 revealed the pilot banging on the door to get back into the cockpit, authorities have released the name of the presumably suicidal co-pilot, and happily, his first name is not "al-".

French prosecutor Brice Robin said that co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, 29, was initially "courteous," though when the captain asked about going to lunch after the flight, Lubitz gave a cryptic reply about preferring virgins.

Evidently, the pilot left for the toilet (für gepißßing) and the co-pilot locked the door, hardened cockpit doors being an innovation adopted after the last time a plane was intentionally crashed. The Airbus A320 is designed with safeguards to allow emergency entry into the cockpit — which can never be used by anyone who does not belong inside to begin with — but the override code is disabled in the case of a co-pilot desiring to commit mass murder and suicide.

Standard U.S. operating procedure, fatefully not yet adopted in Europe, is never to leave the co-pilot alone in the cockpit but to put a stewardess inside, because she is never a jihadi, as of course the co-pilot is not either, but if one were, the other would be able to overpower him, or her.

Mr. al-Lubitz was a veteran flier who had flown thousands of flights without ending any of them in the side of a mountain. But Mr. Robin refused to disclose the co-pilot's religion. "I don’t think it’s necessarily what we should be looking for," he explained. And even if, though not necessarily, it turns out to be what we should be looking for, we are not going to look for it, Mr. Robin added. Batman was similarly tight-lipped, though it is hard to tell with the mask on.

Given the proof that an airliner cannot be protected from a crewman intent on mass murder, would it not make sense to refuse to hire pilots from groups with a known predisposition toward such an act, such as those with a Holy Book that recommends it, about one hundred times? White House spokesman "Josh" "Earnest" said that this option is not on the table, as the facts don't fit this case — excluding facts that no one seems to want to obtain. Besides, Mr. Earnest noted that Mr. Abu Lubitz, a German, would not have been a Republican anyway.

edit More sources



Updated: 27 March 2015

MONTABAUR, Germany -- Investigators have found, in the apartment of Germanwings co-pilot Andreas Lubitz, a torn-up notice from his doctor excusing him from work on the day that Flight 9525 crashed into a mountainside in southern France, killing all 150 aboard.

The note stresses the negative effects on Mr. Lubitz's health of flying a jetliner into the ground. Investigator Ralf Herrenbrueck said that the torn-up sick note "supports the theory that the deceased hid his illness from his employer." Herr Herrenbrueck stressed that pilots who intend to crash airplanes should always notify Personnel of their plan, preferably beforehand, in order to get "buy-in" from other stakeholders.

Neighbor Johannes Rossmann said Mr. Lubitz was in perfect health, jogged a lot, and did not smoke, a record of wellness not helped by having one's entrails splattered across an Alpine hillside. Anonymous callers to local talk radio described Mr. Lubitz as "a nice guy," and indeed no one called the deceased a nut-case or a crash waiting to happen. The U.S. Federal Aviation Administration had given Mr. Lubitz a third-class certificate, which proves he was not psychotic nor suffering from bipolar disorder. The certificate also means Mr. Lubitz had few or no fatal plane crashes on his record and was not a loud critic of Barack Obama.

Dr. Raj Persaud, fellow of Britain's Royal College of Head-Shrinkers, said that "pilots know if they give the wrong answer, they could lose their license." Dr. Persaud has written a helpful textbook, published by Regnery Press, that advise working pilots of the right answers. Notably, if the employer asks the subject whether he intends to kill everyone on board today, the subject should almost always answer in the negative.

UnNews editorial writers are working on an opinion piece that will allege that Mr. Lubitz reported for work despite his mystery ailment because he needed more hours to pay the ruinous 75% income tax of French President François Hollande and throw good money after bad into Greece, though it is a race to complete the column before the facts emerge.

The national governments are studying new safety mandates that will be neither necessary nor sufficient but will let them say they have "done something." Regarding additional rumors that Mr. Lubitz had just broken up with a girlfriend, German Chancellor Angela Merkel said that, in view of the public-health consequences, such decisions should also receive prior review at the federal level.

edit Even more sources

Personal tools
projects