UnNews:Craig calls it quits on calling it quits
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Craig calls it quits on calling it quits
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 1, 2017, 04:26:UTC)(
5 September 2007
BOYS BOISE, IDAHO - Larry Craig was expected to resign from the U. S. Senate after allegations of his being a homosexual were made pubic public. However, after careful consideration, he has called it quits on calling it quits, saying, “I’m not gay enough.”
The gay undercover police officer in the adjacent stall claims that the foot tapping indicated the senator’s desire to engage in homosexual activity.
“Maybe that’s what the cop means when he taps his foot in the men’s room,” Craig said, “but it’s certainly now what U. S. Senator Larry Craig meant.”
The gay vice cop also claimed that Craig stoked the underside of the stall wall, signaling his desire for same-sex sex.
“I was picking up toilet paper I’d dropped on the floor,” Craig explained. “Does wiping one’s ass mean that one’s gay?”
The gay police officer said, “I also got him on my gaydar. The senator’s a queer one, all right.”
The senator admitted that the side of his right shoe might have “brushed against” the side of the police officer’s left shoe, which was on the cop’s side of the stall wall, but said, if this happened, it’s only because “I adopt a wide stance when I drop my pants.” He also said the supposed moans and groans he made were due to his “straining at stool.”
“I’ll be honest,” Craig told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “I do admire the male physique, but I’m not gay enough to resign my office because I played footsie, accidentally, with a queer cop.” Lots of men admire other men’s physiques, he added. “That’s why we have football.”