UnNews:Court won't declare Matthew Pan a person

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2 October 2007

Matthew Hiasl Pan
"Your Honour, have you not seen Planet of the Apes?"

VIENNA, AUSTRIA – Matthew Hiasl Pan was denied citizenship last Thursday in the lower courts of Wiener Neustadt. The 26 year old has had problems seeking employment due to the lack of proper paperwork and documentation.

A provincial judge of the Wiener Neustadt court system dismissed the case, citing that Mr. Pan had no rights as an individual. The judge was quoted saying, “You, Mr. Pan, need to be locked up for the rest of your life.”

Pan was kidnapped in 1982 from his native home in Sierra Leone by a pharmaceutical company to test for more ways to make animal rights activist, Pamela Anderson, to get naked. Customs officers intercepted Pan and turned him over to a homeless shelter where he still resides today in special living quarters.


Pan Bellhop
"Sir, welcome to the Hotel Austria."

Due to Child Labor Laws, Pan was forced to work illegally as a bellhop at a hotel in Austria called the Hotel Austria. He was making 36 ATS (US$3.71/ or if the Euro existed in 1997, €2.62) an hour. At the age of 18, Pan got married and started a family. As the cost of living rose, Pan found it difficult to make ends meet. He started drinking alcohol heavily and gambling at the dog races. In order to get a better paying job to legally work and support his family, he needed to obtain citizenship.

The provincial judge declared that Pan was “not a person of interest.” Mr. Pan sat in silence through the whole hearing, ashamed of his situation. As far as community is concerned, the Wiener Neustadt judicial system is monkeying around with the rights of an individual. A date for the appeal to the Supreme Court has not been set.

The housing projects where Matthew H. Pan has lived for 25 years can no longer afford to house him and his family after claiming bankruptcy. Their rent & cost of living averages about €4,800 (US$6,800) a month and under Austrian Law, a "person" can only receive personal donations and gifts.


President of the AAAF, Martin Balluch, who is in the backing of making Pan a citizen made this quote after the court hearing from John Fitzgerald Kennedy, “Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.”.

A now serene Mr. Pan only responded, “I just want to fling my shit at people. Thank you.”

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