UnNews:Country-wide Terrorist Attack Goes Unnoticed by Millions of Blindingly Patriotic Americans
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Country-wide Terrorist Attack Goes Unnoticed by Millions of Blindingly Patriotic Americans
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, March 26, 2017, 17:14:UTC)(
5 July 2007
"We just thought it was part of the holiday festivities, we honestly had no idea that we were under attack," said an overweight, forty year-old civilian (who presumably watches Fox News). Many other Americans seemed to be under the same, misguided impression as well. The Americans apparently associate the attacks with the two holidays occurring today, Independence Day, the celebration of alien invasion and Will Smith, and July 4th, the celebration of the deaths of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, for unknown reasons. It is well known that the two holidays are celebrated by watching complete marathons of cable television shows and eating large amounts of watermelon (and other American foodstuffs). Where the delusional association of the holidays of July Fourth with terrorist attacks arose, we are still unaware.
Civilians are requested to stay indoors to avoid further casualties. To protect yourself from these bombings, lock yourself in a bunker with 3-foot thick lead walls. If you do not happen to be in possession of said bunker, find the bunker nearest you. We will live through this unpredicted catastrophe, and when the smoke has cleared and the rubble has settled, we will strike back against Al Qaeda with tact and force.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|