UnNews:Coroner censures Network Rail for providing too much warning
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Coroner censures Network Rail for providing too much warning
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, December 4, 2016, 22:34:UTC)(
5 February 2007
GALAPAGOS STATION, Essex, Saturday (UNN) — The fathers of two teenage girls killed by an express train at a station crossing called Friday for a criminal investigation into the tragedy. The Essex coroner told them their idiot spawn were well out of the gene pool, even given that at ages 13 and 14 there was danger they had already polluted it.
The jury, which recorded verdicts of death by stupidity for Chardonnay Inbred, 14, and Shaznay Pleb, 13, heard that the crossing with unlocked wicket gates had been classified as safe seven months before the teenagers' fatal Christmas shopping expedition in December 2005. The girls ignored a station announcement, flashing red lights, warning signs and a neon display flashing "THERE'S A TRAIN COMING YOU IDIOTS," not to mention the people on the platform opposite shouting at them not to try to cross, because they considered looking both ways before strutting out onto the track in front of their "crew" was just another example of oppression by the Man, and were killed instantly by a 70mph through-train.
"I think the authorities should look to see whether there is a case for a criminal prosecution," said Mr Kallikak Inbred, Chardonnay's father and uncle. "There is a whole litany of mistakes and incompetence and possibly negligence. The girls did cross against red lights, hop the gate and ignore every warning it was possible to ignore, but an advanced scientific robot system should have reached down from the air and lifted them to safety. Network Rail's management have failed and they should be brought to account."
Network Rail was censured by the coroner for trying too hard and neglecting their public duty to the human race. However, they did announce that a bridge would be built and the pedestrian crossing closed, because, in the long run, this would work out cheaper than cleaning the mess of puréed idiot off the fronts of the trains.
A spokeswoman for Network Rail said that the deaths of the girls was a tragedy, but the organisation could only do so much about animals below a certain level of intelligence being let out off the leash.