UnNews:Cornish granted minority status
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Cornish granted minority status
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 15:09 (UTC)
25 April 2014
CORNWALL, UK -- The Cornish people have been granted "minority status" by the UK. Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander, who is both ginger and a Liberal Democrat and so knows one or two things about minority groups, gave a speech in his best Archers-farming-accent impression to the Celtic people of the county, informing them that they were now a minority and so could be targeted and arrested by the Police without any need for evidence.
Cornwall has always been one of England's most famous counties, along with Yorkshire and Wales, being known for Stonehenge, which is actually in Devon, seaside cottage holiday homes which turn out - to the surprise of many holiday makers - to actually be in Devon, and Cornish Pasties, probably originally from Devon. Its citizens form the mainstay of Celtic tradition in England, with the rest of the country being predominantly white British.
"The granting of minority status will mean a lot for the Cornish, as it will increase the devolution of Cornwall," said Dick Cole, Alex Salmond's henchman and leader of the Cornish Independance Association (CIA), "We now have full control of education and as such the GCSE C grade will now become an A* by Cornish education standards." The UK Government is also investing in the introduction of Cornish and Farmers-speak, as the two native languages in Cornish schools. Cornish itself will be placed in the dead languages category along with Latin, Ancient Greek and Scottish Gaelic.
Being granted a "minority status" also has benefits for the rest of the country. Sergeant Nicholas Angel of the Devonshire County Police Force who cover crime prevention in both Devon and Cornwall commented, "Now that they're a minority group they're in the same category as disabled people and blacks. If I see a Cornish man walking down the street and his accent prevents me from judging him as being able to speak English then I presume he owns a shed full of guns and a land mine so I arrest him on the spot immediatly." The BNP leader Nick Griffin has commented, "We always knew the Cornish were a minority. Running the government from backstage. If we get in power we'll have them all deported. They'll go back to where they came from."
The Cornish themselves were so overwhelmed by the reaction that they forgot to celebrate St. George's Day and instead of flying a St. George's Cross on 24th April they flew a Cornish cross. This led Nigel Farage to comment, ""Minority status" is a terrible policy set up by Brussels. We all know it is failing and it is breaking down Britain. The Cornish now choose to celebrate more autonomy for the original settlers in Britain. What happened to the good old British St. George's Day, a celebration based on a European controlled Church that this country rejected about a man who never visited Britain and lived in Eastern Europe?" David Cameron and Nick Clegg have called the occasion, "A well deserved conclusion to the Pasty tax row," while Ed Miliband commented, "No it isn't, you're lying to the British people, you're wrong."
- ↑ Who recently appeared in the Channel 4 Crime Panorama Documentry, Hot Fuzz