UnNews:Cornflake tester dies in Toilet Pie related incident

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27 December 2006

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For once, it aint the fault of ITV.

CORNFLAKE FACTORY, China - It was discovered in the early hours of this morning that a Cornflake Tester has been killed by a Toilet Pie whilst doing a routine test to make sure that the cornflakes contain less than 12% feces.

It was a very rare event to see a person killed in a Chinese cornflake testing factory, as the company testing the cornflakes has a policy so the people hired must be under the age of 2. The man, 36, managed to get past the security there by dribbling all over their suits and crawling straight into the revolving door.

The security staff, when questioned, replied:

"He was just so convincing! He was even dressed in a, what d'ya call it... erm... oh yes, shit catcher on, and it was filled right to the brim! Yes, he may have been 6' 8" and had a moustache, but he was so realistic!".

They also recalled that they were transporting toilet pies to the testing room when a strange man with one eyebrow with two kids and a vicious baby distracted the transportation staff. The tester turned round to go to the TV to turn on the footie match when he tripped over a rattle and landed in the pie carriage. It was noticed until three weeks later when none of the pies would work. Tests showed whilst the man was being eaten he farted out a large amount of methane gas, which the pies ingested.

The investigators still need to find out whether or not the security staff are telling the truth or not. The Police Chief Constable Detective Sergeant Wilhelmina Johnstone has revealed that the investigators suspect that the guards took bribes of at least £1. They are looking into this tomorrow evening. They are expected to hold a news conference, but they are very unlikely to.

The police are also confirming that they are not linking this to any other incidents that are similar to this. They say that they are sure this time that they are right and it isn't linked to any other incidents. As always, we'll bring you more on this story as it develops. And if it doesn't, we won't.

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