UnNews:Corbyn claws into Labour leadership contest

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Corbyn claws into Labour leadership contest

We distort, you deride

UnNews Logo Potato
Tuesday, August 22, 2017, 09:41:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

15 June 2015

SandersCorbyn

Time to play spot the difference.

ISLINGTON, UK -- With just minutes to go before nominations closed at 12:00 today, Jeremy Corbyn clawed his way into the Labour leadership competition. Corbyn needed 35 fellow MPs to nominate him in order to get a place in the competition and luckily 36 Labour MPs were found that still thought the party should stand for something.

Corbyn has been compared to American candidate Bernie Sanders, both for his grey hair — uncombed, so as not to concede to the country's established financial order — and his willingness to utter the "S-word," in this case, socialism.

Corbyn is facing 3 other Labour MPs, who didn't get front page coverage of their successful bids on the BBC News. These include the wife of Ed Balls, Yvette Cooper, who plans to abolish child poverty before she too loses her seat and the Balls family is left with no income; Andy Burnham, who is trying to keep in the centre of the party by declaring he is neither for equality nor aspiration; and Liz Kendall, who can be described as either marketing campaigns and marker pens — or, more simply put, Hillary Clinton.

Corbyn's policies aren't known by anyone, because he has no chance of winning. However because he doesn't talk or dress like a career politician in public, they must be good. As with Owen Jones, Corbyn believes in Labour's obscure and ever-changing but surprisingly obvious and inspirational principles, and thinks that even a losing campaign will add radical views to the debate sufficient to give Labour five more years in which to pretend to be different from the Conservatives.

The iconic picture of the innocent, wise old man in a miner's cap is already circulating across the internet, accompanied by comments from Labour's youth-wing supporters such as, "Finally a return to the 1970s blackouts", "It's time to show the Tories a face untouched by expensive facial cream" and "The guy they based Great Uncle Bulgaria off".

Diane Abbott supported Corbyn's nomination. She, Labour's last candidate to have actual beliefs, recalled how odd it was that she'd lost the competition with her pro-standing-for-something message, as the only negative to her bid was the fact that Labour's corporate and union backers gave her no financial support at all.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects