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Straight talk, from straight faces
Tuesday, September 27, 2016, 08:44:UTC)(
3 October 2006
As an author, Mr Treadmill, was used to friends and neighbours suggesting plots and characters to him. 'I was pretty pissed one night' recalled Treadmill. 'And that's pissed as in Real-Man-Sixteen-Pints-Of Bitter pissed, not the ridiculous way that American arsewipes refer to the good old British phrase 'pissed off', he added.
'I staggered up the stairs singing 'Come on you Blues' at midnight, and I heard the missus mutter 'Fuck me!' as I tripped over the top step. It was like the conversion of Saul as I thought 'that's it, that is my novel'.
Marcus Treadmill's novel, 'Fuck Me!' is published by Oxford University Press and runs to two pages with the words 'Fuck me!' emblazoned across them. He is now entitled to a royalty every time someone says 'fuck me' as it constitutes a performance of his novel.
Lawyers and literary critics are up in arms over the controversy, claiming that Treadmill's novel is just a ruse to make money. His wife, Freda Treadmill, 46-40-84, knows otherwise. 'The words are as enigmatic as Mona Lisa's smile', she claims 'They could mean a hundred different things. They could mean 'come and copulate with me', they could be uttered as a curse someone stubs their toe, they could said in amazement of something. But no-one can claim he is a charlatan.' She refused to comment on what she meant at the inspirational moment.
Universal Studios are said to be interested in buying the film rights for a seven-figure sum, but Marcus Treadmill is keeping his feet on the ground. 'I am hard at work on the sequels which will hit the shops tomorrow', he said.
Marcus Treadmill's sequels to Fuck Me :- Hello', 'Happy Birthday', 'Whatever', 'The', 'And', 'Mother, I've Got A Charlie On My Back and the boldly titled A Pint Of Lager, Please, will be on sale tomorrow at all good charity shops.
- Martin Mine's A Guinness "[ The IRA - An Inside Story Of Cross-Dressing And Pressing Wild Flowers]". Oxford Cider Press, January 30, 1972