UnNews:Cops arrest Spiderman, Captain America, and Poison Ivy
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Cops arrest Spiderman, Captain America, and Poison Ivy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, May 25, 2017, 12:43:UTC)(
6 November 2010
Stamford, Connecticut -- Even superheroes can turn on the wrong side of the law. After a lot of work and deaths, police finally managed to arrest Captain America, Spiderman, and Poison Ivy after a massive brawl that knocked out the power of half the state.
The incident occurred after Captain America smacked some guy up side of the head, somehow killing him. That guy just happened to be the reincarnation of the ghost of Spidey's deceased Uncle Ben. Spidey attempted to avenge his uncle's death again, but police arrived and attempted to break the fight up.
Spidey and Captain America then teamed up, decapitating the majority of the cops, when Spidey's girlfriend Poison Ivy showed up. The two have been dating for over 9 months, sources say.
After covering the area with a massive blob of pepper spray, the police finally managed to subdue the rogue heroes and villain, arresting them with a new type of anti-power handcuff. Spiderman is being charged with assault and a massive fine to help pay for damages, as is Captain America. Poison Ivy was going to be charged as an accessory to assault, but her sex appeal managed to persuade the cops into giving her a very minor sentence of 1 week repopulating the gardens Spidey and the Captain destroyed.
Spidey's son, Spiderboy, said, quote: "Daddy was just defending his uncle. He shouldn't be in jail! Now I have to put up with my mother for the next month..." He is currently in the custody of Spider-Woman, Spiderman's mistress.
When the perpetrators were asked if they wanted to comment, only Poison Ivy replied, saying, "I'm going to reveal all in the next issue of Playboy, if anyone cares. If anyone's been waiting to see what's under these vines, they'll get to find out." She then flashed the reporter, instantly killing him due to erectile dysfunction.
- Ben Muessig "Cops Arrest Spiderman, Captain America, and Poison Ivy". AOL, Nov. 6, 2010