|This article is part of UnNews||We distort, you deride|
22 March 2011
Los Angeles, California -- Bradley Cooper confirmed today rumours that he took cocaine to make his character in the mystery thriller 'Limitless' more 'authentic'. He was found out on set, when he sneezed a large amount of blood on co-star Robert De Niro.
'It was a really important part of the role, I had to make it look authentic' Cooper said to this UnNews Reporter, 'I didn't want to end up like that gay retard Hugh Grant and do rom-coms for ever'. Cooper's role in the film saw him as a unsuccessful copywriter who is given a drug by his brother that increases his mental abilities substantially, as well as boosting his confidence to that of a typical Middle Eastern dictator.
The usually reserved De Niro was reported to be furious, claiming 'that little rat-fucker gave me STD's'. Cooper was less than apologetic when asked about the incident. 'He was pretty upset for some reason. I don't see the big deal, I mean he didn't mind getting that guys brains on him in The Deer Hunter. Talk about double standards'.
Cooper has refused to rule out further use of illicit substances to further his acting career. 'I've got a role as an Oregon transient coming up, so crystal meth is on the cards'.
Prior to his acting career, Cooper had a 12 year stint as conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, Sir Simon Rattle being his eventual successor.