|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
2 December 2009
SLACKJAW, Kentucky -- As the Christmas season rolls around, some residents of this small town are already well prepared to have a good time. Rollie Spearing (pictured) stocked up on cheap wine and good weed, and her grandson Stover gave her a beautiful bong as an early present.
The good times began the day before Thanksgiving, when she won $4500 on a lottery ticket. Rollie told UnNews, "I was able to catch up on some bills, get a few presents for the kids, and buy a pound of some incredible Kind Bud. I took some time from work and settled in for more than a months worth of wake-and-bakes."
This year Rollie intends to be stoned from now until January 2, when she'll have to go back to her low-paying Walmart job, stocking shelves. Until then, it's Rockford Files reruns, gory movies, and baking tons of cookies for Mrs. Spearing.
"We'll be redefining Christmas cheer this year too," said Rollie. "I'm not much of a drinker, but there'll be some special baked goods for Santa and his elves, and any good boys and girls who drop by." UnNews salutes her, and will be by around the 15th of December for a sample of Rollies baking.