UnNews:Cookie truck gets flipped; all hell breaks loose
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Cookie truck gets flipped; all hell breaks loose
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 2, 2016, 22:34:UTC)(
3 February 2007
SOME HICK TOWN, USA-- At around 9:00 AM, a semi-truck loaded with cookies of various brands lost control and was flipped on its side on the corner of MLK and 27th Street. The truck driver, presumably on his way to a local grocery store, died at the scene. Once the truck stopped flipping, the hatch to the back of the loading container magically opened or something and packages of cookies scattered all over the street.
What seemed like just a very unusual occurrence turned into something ugly. It wasn't long until people were diving onto the street attempting to grab as many packages as they could. Luckily, I was on the scene writing all of this down for the good of Uncyclopedia.
Things started getting rough as the pile of cookies became noticeably smaller. Someone pulled out a knife and stabbed 3 people to death. On the bright side, he seemed more preoccupied with stabbing people than stealing more cookies. But despite this warning tale, some greedy people couldn't get enough packages of free cookies. Firearms were pulled out. Racial slurs were yelled. Journalists were rudely bumped into and no one was saying "excuse me". It wasn't long until the police arrived on the scene.
When the poh-poh arrived, most of the criminals fled the scene. But a few stayed and fought, despite the fact that there were no more cookies left to steal. People were arrested who didn't have anything to do with the stealing, and the police were now searching for a man about 6 feet tall with black hair who punched a 5-year-old girl in the midst of cookie stealing. What happened next, I don't really remember. I had to go home and
eat my cookies have kinky sex with my wife take a nap because I was tired from all the stuff I'd witnessed all these other greedy people do.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|