UnNews:Controversial Barney episode to air uncensored

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24 April 2010

Barney FSD nap

"In summer when the days girls are hot/I like to find a shady spot/and... Zzzzzzzz..."

CARROLLTON, Texas -- Religious groups are fuming over an upcoming episode of the popular and uber-shitty children's show, Barney & Friends. Televangelists such as Dennis Leonard, Pat Robertson, and Billy Graham are offended that an upcoming remake of the 1992 episode "Four Seasons Day" will show irreverence towards such faiths as Christianity, Islam, Mormonism, Buddhism, Amish, Catholicism, Atheism, Agnosticism, and Satanism.

"This is an outrage," says Robertson. "God shall punish this purple beast with His mighty Hand!"

Graham says, "On what day did the Lord create Barney, and couldn't He have rested on this day, too?"

"I am shocked to hear this! Barney is fuzzle wuzzle woo, mmhhmmhhmmm, blah, blah, children! Muzzle Rush Limbaugh Bargle Nawdle Zouss! The egg is knee!" said an Amish farmer, in person, to a hearing-inpaired reporter -- who wasn't allowed to use a tape recorder, camera, or even a pen to record the interview.

However, Barney producers Trey Parker & Matt Stone have denied such accusations. "Religious groups are full of shit," they say.

Barney kids AGU

Former Barney actors (l-r) Michael, Shawn, Min, and Luci reunited.

The original version of "Four Seasons Day" (1992) is controversial enough, if only for the summer segment, in which Barney and his friends -- Shawn, Michael, Luci, and Min -- play a game using summer sound effects and charades. After "cutting the grass with a lawnmower," the purple dinosaur then runs to the steps and jumps off and starts swimming with all his might. This -- plus the imposing heat of the summer sun -- makes Barney "just a little tired." To make things worse, he then slowly reaches the large tree in the middle of the playground and recites a poem. Before he can finish, he starts to fall asleep.

The season changes to fall and the kids wake Barney up.

"He's supposed to be educating children, not napping on the job," says Leonard, pastor at Denver's Heritage Christian Center. "The show still sucks anyway, but I'm just saying."

The remake, which began filming Wednesday, reunites the original Shawn, Michael, Luci, and Min -- John David Bennet, 42; Brian Eppes, 47; Leah Gloria, 46; Pia Manalo, 41 (respectively) -- as though they never aged.

"That's tough," says Eppes, "'cause we've changed quite a bit. Time has not been too good to us. I've let myself go, I have a 5 o'clock shadow, I smoke, my legs are hairier than the Yeti! Shawn and Min have really let themselves go. At least Luci's aged well. And they're still expecting us to pass ourselves off as 3-year-old kids? Bullshit!"

Stone says that he considered recasting the roles, but was reminded that "Lately, it's been a cardinal sin to recast child roles."

He and Stone quickly got on the phone with the former child actors from the first season. But was the script that top notch to bring the cast back together?

"Nah," says Bennett. "I'm only doing this crap to pay off my new Porsche."

The remake will feature state-of-the-art special effects, thanks to special guest director George Lucas and legendary cinematographer Dean Cundey (Halloween, Escape from New York, The Thing, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Back to the Future, etc.) Barney will be CGI and more photorealistic to that of a real dinosaur whilst keeping his original purple-and-green coloring. It is also the first-ever Barney & Friends episode to be filmed in HD.

"This really is a landmark Barney episode," says Lucas. "Yes, it's still gonna suck, but it's gonna suck with style and attitude. It's gonna suck with class."

The episode is slated to air June 1 on PBS.

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