UnNews:Conservatives hoping that USA can become the world's first ID-ocracy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
30 August 2012
TAMPA, Florida, USA -- Conservatives in the United States are ambitiously looking forward to a day when the nation becomes the first in the history of the world to implement a new theory of government called ID-ocracy, or government by the identified.
"Let's face it," Conservative spokesperson License Sample told UnNews. "Democracy in the United States was a great experiment, but it has largely failed. We made a strong effort to enfranchise everyone, even blacks. Even a few of the good hispanics. But its time has passed. It's time for a new direction for this country, and only the properly identified can really be a part of it."
When asked why her cause wants to disenfranchise such a large part of the voting public, Sample said, "Well, you don't think Big Brother should know who you are before you give control of your reproductive system over to him? And as for those people who let their government-issued papers expire, or who for whatever reason aren't able to renew them, or even who can't get the taxpayer-funded department of licensing to expedite the process of renewal in time for the elections - by ensuring that they can't then participate in the decisions of that government, we can be sure that no godless muslim ever gets elected President again."
Ignoring for the moment the fact that no muslim has ever been elected president, when informed that muslims are not godless, Sample simply scoffed and rolled her eyes, as if we were the stupid ones. When asked why she thinks people without identification tend to vote for muslims, she said, "Are you saying blacks, hispanics and liberals don't have IDs? That sounds racist to me." Sample was not asked to explain how it is racist to be concerned that this unnecessary policy has been proven to disenfranchise liberals in general, white and non-white, in statistically significant blocks, because we just knew that whatever her inane response was, we had already heard and disregarded it as complete balderdash when Fox News said it. It would certainly have something to do with unsubstantiated claims of liberal laziness and lack of patriotism.
She was asked for her response to the charge that this program is a solution without a problem - that voting under an assumed identity has been shown to be a virtually non-existent phenomenon. Sample replied, "Virtually. See how they get you with that fancy language? There was one time, documented, it happened in Pennsylvania. But it's like domestic violence, which Obama himself said - one time is too many."
Sample was unable to answer any other questions, because her brain started to shut down under the pressure of its own illogical conundrums. She concluded by saying "As everyone knows, only Republicans - conservative Republicans - are the party of Big Government, and this is the best, biggest way I can think of to be as big as we can be. America is the land of the free-when-identified. Obviously tyranny is a good thing when it gets conservative policies enacted, so ID-ocracy will prevail here. We conservatives will take America forward to a better day, implementing our great Big Government ideas. By the way, I only answer questions from identified journalists, so... ihre papiere, bitte."
Regardless of the appropriateness of the government requiring you to show your papers in a free society, in the end, Ms. Sample failed to grasp - or refused to acknowledge - the disengenuousness of the effort to enforce such a policy.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|