Conservapedia Explains Romney Loss: Not Enough Obama Conspiracy Theories

Your A.D.D. news outl — Oooh, look at the pictures!

UnNews Logo Potato
Wednesday, July 18, 2018, 18:26:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

7 November 2012

The Pinies, New Jersey -- Speaking on behalf of the sort of Conservatives which you mostly actually see on the internet and occasionally AM radio Conservapedia Resplendent Grand High Administrator for life Andrew Schlafy has released a statement on his freedom loving, strictly content controlled wiki in light of the recent close electoral victory by President Barack Obama over challenger Mitt Romney.

"Despite his superior character and appearance our candidate Mitt Romney has lost the election to the incumbent LIEberal president, Barack Hussein Barry Sotero Mohammed Obama. The election of this Manchurian candidate is clearly the result of a conspiracy, but in many ways it is the result of not enough conspiracies. What could we have done to prevent the reelection of America's first black, gay, communist, Muslim, atheist, evil mastermind, mentally handicapped, dictator, anarchist president who is a puppet of the banks, Jews, Muslim Brotherhood, Chinese communists, Illuminati and Bill Ayers simultaneously? The answer, fellow freedom fighters, lies in more crazy conspiracy theories.

In 2008 we were not prepared to take on Barack Obama. Our best and brightest were still focused on wildly improbably conspiracy theories involving the World Trade Center and holographic projectors. Today we know what we're up against. We know the truth about the half billion Americans that have disappeared into FEMA concentration camps, the hundred million terrorists smuggled across our borders every year and the threat to our precious bodily fluids.

This year conservatives from all across the shit gutters of the internet will unite to exercise our First Amendment right by coming up with the the most baroque, outlandish and contradictory conspiracy theories that you've ever heard of. We will bring together a vast spectrum of wingnuts, from the merely unreasonable to the clinically insane to fabricate and misinterpret every possible facet of Obama's history, policy and actions. Perhaps you've heard our previous conspiracy theories and had doubts about their accuracy. Those days are passed us. I personally guarantee that you will not believe a single breath of the batshit insane skullfuckery that we will come up with in the next four years.

In the coming second term of Barack Hussein Voldemort Sotero Darkie Bin Laden Darth Obama we shall acquire a stockpile of conjecture, hearsay and logical fallacy that will guarantee that he will not be president for another term."

Schlafy then presented a sneak preview of the upcoming 2013 conspiracies.

  • Obama will declare himself world ruler. All Christian children will be forced to blow at wind turbines for 18 hours a day while tree hugging hippies whip them. True Americans will be sent to FEMA camps on Mars as soon as those rovers find the ideal place to build them.
  • Obama's real father? Time travel Barack Obama from the year 2025.
  • Obama intimidated and disheartened conservative males away from the polls in the swing states by personally emailing them photos of his enormous brown penis.
  • Everything Obama does is fed to him via teleprompter. Everything he does when not near a teleprompter is directed by a magic invisible teleprompter that only he can see.
  • Secret Agents in the Republican party sabotaged their election chances by nominating a candidate whose name rhymes with shit, quit, twit and clit, ensuring low morale at his campaign headquarters.
  • Obama is actually a whole mess of poisonous spiders in a rubber president suit.
  • Jews! Commies! Jews! Commies! Jews! Commies! MUSLIMS!!!!
    Obama ring 2
  • With a large popular vote margin over some other guy Barack Obama cyrogenically froze several million votes in 2008 in a secret bunker under Nevada and waited to spring them on the 2012 election.
  • Obama's ring does not contain an Arabic prayer but denotes his standing as a member of the Sinestro Corps, mortal foes of The Green Lantern and the Guardians of The Galaxy. His interference was responsible for the lackluster box office and poor critical acclaim of the 2011 Ryan Reynolds Green Lantern movie.

Update: Schlafy has recently replaced the announcement on his wiki the words "Disregard that, I suck cocks".