UnNews:Connecticut governor passes law requiring deer to use crosswalks
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Connecticut governor passes law requiring deer to use crosswalks
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 10:15:UTC)(
26 April 2009
HARTFORD, Conneticut -- Earlier today Connecticut Governor Jodi Rell passed a bill that will require deer to start using crosswalks. The bill was passed after a deer neglecting to use a crosswalk was hit and killed by a car in nearby Goshen, Connecticut; the driver of that vehicle is currently being charged with vehicular deerslaughter by the state as well as paying the deer’s family a settlement of around half of a million dollars. I consulted Litchfield County resident Dr. DuBois, who informed me settlements rely on varying factor's including “deer funeral costs, emotional harm, woodland lawyer fees, as well as a large variety of other factors contributing to the death of the mammal.”
Unfortunately, this is just one of many occurrences of deer neglecting to use crosswalks which have all resulted in death, dismemberment, and dented front bumpers. Many propositions went through a parliamentary procedure to determine the best way to stop what has now been dubbed the “woodland critter genocide”. Some methods that were reviewed but never put to action include:
- Moving all the Deer into New York
- Killing all the Deer
- Making it mandatory for Deer to have a GPS implant in combination with GPS devices in all cars that would monitor where Deer are in regard to the car
- Gluing reflectors to the Deer
- Providing a mandatory Car Evasion and Safety class for all Deer
After these parliamentary proceedings it was determined that a law to make Deer use crosswalks was the most effective and cost efficient way of lowering death in Deer as a result of Car injury. In cohesion with this bill, any Deer caught jaywalking, assuming they aren’t dead, will be fined heavily for not using a state regulated crosswalk.
“Yeah, those damn deer… It’s about time we did something about them. I mean, is it too much to ask that they obey the rules of the road like the rest of us? Connecticut is known for extensively testing people before giving them their driver’s licenses to make sure they are very familiar with road rules and regulations. Deer can’t even read! So we have safe responsible drivers who become victims of an accident because of these deer who probably don’t even have jobs! They say that in this economic crisis we are facing that the unemployment rate is rising to close to 10%. Is it a coincidence then that the deer population is also going up? Get a job, loaners! I’ve had it up to here with these bums!”