UnNews:Congress successfully reduces car fuel efficiency standards
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Congress successfully reduces car fuel efficiency standards
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 06:23:UTC)(
6 July 2008
Congressional secret orgy room With gasoline soon to reach $5 USD, Congress has acted in haste to pass a bill to reduce fuel efficiency. Representatives of General Motors applauded the bill, "With lower fuel efficiency standards, we can make bigger and uglier miltary style vehicles. Our new line of cars, the M6A2 Abramoff wheeled assault station wagons will benefit from this,as well as our wallets!". Bipartisan support for this bill was based on the truth that gasoline was too cheap, and as such, was it was necessary to maintain the status quo.
Opponents of the bill were furious, as always with liberals. "Its because of the congress's complete stupidity that gas prices are going this high. We had 30 years to fix it! And what did we do? License the M998 HMMWV to GM so that they could make street legal fast attack vehicles!", said a frothing Al Gore.
Representatives of Detroit provided a counter arguement. "We need lower fuel efficiencies to give the people what they want. Thanks to the lack of foresight, our forebearers were able to turn a quick buck on the misfortunes of the poor!" Said the husky representative as he ate sandwich made of thousand dollar bills."We're in a tight bind, foreign car companies make better and more fuel efficient cars. With this lower CAFE efficiency , we can still make lots of money". Though, when told that GM was on the brink of bankruptcy and that the Detroit automakers were essentially dying, his failure to keep his monocle out of his champagne glass was indicative of the seemingly uninformed nature of domestic automakers.
Other critics point out that people in general didnt care about the price of oil, and as such, the reduction of fuel efficiency was a correct judgment. Where as higher fuel efficiencies would have made people save more money, it would have reduced the glamor of such fuel consumers such as the Hummer, the GM Tacoma, the Ford F150 heavy duty truck, and various other American made vehicles. Thusly, it becomes quite obvious that its the consumers fault for shoddy engineering. In the end, its always the fault of the people who have the least say in the matter.
Now that fuel efficiencies have been reduced, Detroit can now begin pumping out more low efficency vehicles, thus saving the domestic auto industry.
While both sides argue on who is the victim, the politicians who had the foresight of a door knob, or the Detroit automakers who purposfully sabotaged their industry for megabucks, its quite clear that we're all screwed.
- Concerned Citizen "US Congress passes bill to decrease fuel efficiency". NY Times, July 6, 2008