UnNews:Congress Declares "Proper Time" to Admit Mexicans
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
15 August 2006
LOS ANGELES, CA - Ecstatic Mexicans danced in the streets on their five-minute lunch breaks from the sweatshops after hearing the US Congress declare the "proper time" to provide Mexicans with full rights equivalent to US citizens, which had been under deliberation since the end of the Mexican-American War in 1848, had finally come.
Mexicans in California and other western states, have been restricted from drivers' licenses, health care, and bilingual education. They are expected to shop for cars, injure themselves, and forget English in expectation of the new law, which will take effect on 1 September.
Jorge Rodriguez, a gardener from Santa Ana, expressed his plans through a translator: "As an illegal alien, I've always had to work hard, keep out of trouble, and take any job I can get. Now that I have full rights equivalent to a US citizen, I can sit on my lazy ass and collect welfare just like the gringos! I love this country!" His translator, Jose Cadazos, a legal resident alien from Guatemala, added, "Damn Mexicans get everything."
The vote was expected to fail along party lines, but a surprise defection by many western Republicans swung the result to success. Representative Brian Bilbray (R-CA) explained, "I'm sick of having to find a new housekeeper every time one gets sick because they die without health care." Senator Jon Kul (R-AZ) added, "Politicians in our great state have recently come under fire for an increasing population of illegals. If we declare them legal--well, problem solved."
On 2 February 1848, the victorious United States of America and the defeated United States of Mexico ended their war with a treaty at Villa Guadalupe Hidalgo. The treaty forced Mexico to sell the conquered lands known as "The Mexican Cession" to America for 15 million pesos ($19.95 plus tax in 2006 US dollars), an assumption of Mexico's gambling debts, and "The Mexican Concession," the right of first refusal to set up taco stands and sell oranges at freeway onramps throughout the region (today California, Nevada, Utah, most of Arizona, and parts of New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, and Vermont).
The treaty also included a provision, Article 8, that required America to grant full rights as US citizens to all Mexican nationals within the conquered territories. After signing, but before ratification, the US Senate added Article 9, which stated that Mexican citizens would "be admitted at the proper time (to be judged of by the Congress of the United States)." That proper time never came, until now.
The treaty also required America to honor all land grants awarded by Spain or Mexico before 1848, prompting Venice Beach churro vendor Jesus San Vicente to jump into his '76 El Camino and head for the old Rancho San Vicente (now known as the City of Beverly Hills).
The government of Mexico claimed that this was an attempt to distract attention from their own demand for return of the territories. A spokesman for the Bush administration replied, "Nothing could be further from the truth. We've always intended to comply with the treaty we signed, and the fact that we only did so now, after you filed a legal case, is just a coincidence."
In related news, Israel today declared its intention to give full rights to Palestinians "at the proper time (to be judged of by the Knesset)."