UnNews:Conflict breaks out down on the farm
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Conflict breaks out down on the farm
Straight talk, from straight faces
Monday, August 21, 2017, 16:05:UTC)(
23 October 2008
Sheep peace-keeping forces are preparing to fly out to Dingly Dell Farm, Suffolk, UK, after sporadic fighting broke out between different ethnic groups resident in the area. The exact catalyst for the conflict is unclear, but local landowner Farmer Giles, 57, claimed that there had been a notable increase in friction between the groups involved for some time. "I was out in the field down by Flinty Stream near the old oak tree a few days ago to repair the fences," he told us, "and I noticed there seemed to be some kind of activity going on amongst the Pigs. It started with one little Piggy who went to market while this little Piggy stayed home. One little Piggy was fasting in observance of the Piggish religious festival Dashaguh; meanwhile, another little Piggy went "wee wee wee" all the way home. However, one little Piggy was clearly in the act of consuming roast beef."
Experts believe it may have been the roast beef that sparked the troubles as the act was noticed by members of the farm's highly fanatical Cow community, who retaliated by eating bacon sandwiches in full view of the Pigs. Farmer Giles informs us that there has been a marked increase in military activities amongst the Cows for some time since the Pig forces began gathering by the dry stone wall dividing Buttercup Meadow - an area occupied by the Pigs since the 17th Century - and Stoneybrook Field, a disputed region that is home to many nomadic Cow tribes with close ties to the established Cow settlement situated at Primrose Lea, a field with which it shares a border. The Cows are led by the enigmatic and fundamentalist Daisy the Friesian, believed by NATO to be 'highly dangerous.'
The Pig forces are led by a shadowy figure known only as H29, thought to be hiding out somewhere in the network of caves in the largely-unexplored Stinging Nettle Patch Territory situated in the far North of Buttercup Meadow. His true identity remains a mystery, thought to be known to only a few of his most senior lieutenants and trusted advisers. His codename comes from the distinctive tag, made of yellow plastic, that he habitually wears attached to his left ear. A Cow spokesman yesterday claimed that "The Pigs have been attempting to force the Cows out of Stoneybrook Field, which is downstream from Buttercup Meadow, for many years by contaminating drinking water with their faeces. We must now view this as an act of war, and will not settle until all Pigs have been killed."
What may have been a small-scale, localised conflict began to escalate after the Cows' close allies the Chickens, a notoriously volatile group led by infamous warlord Phoghorne Leghornska who has been sought by the UN in connection with a series of warcrimes including the Duck Genocide that took place at Woodside Pond in 1985, joined the dispute. Though a different ethnic group and followers of a different religion, the Chickens have long shared access to The Red Barn with the Cows since they prefer the dry straw found there to that used by the Pigs in their own stronghold The Sty. Pig sources report that airborne Chickens have been seen in the No Fly Zones around Stoneybrook Field daily, despite Leghornska's assurances that his forces strictly abide by the wing-clipping rules as ordered by the UN after the Duck Genocide. Non-authenticated photographs have been claimed by the Cows to show that Pigs are also flying in the area.
Intercepted communications suggest that the Pigs are attempting to seek assistance from their own allies, the Horses, a group believed by Government intelligence to be in possession of advanced military hardware purchased from the ex-Soviet Union. Were the Horses - the dominant ethnic group in the area who have generally been peaceful and kept out of local skirmishes for many years - to join, the conflict could escalate into all-out war with the possibility of Goats from neighbouring Willow Glade Croft becoming involved in the fighting.
Commander of the Sheep Peace-Keeping Force, General David Baatraeus spoke at a press conference last night and while admitting there was a chance his forces may be engaged at Dingly Dell Farm for some months, he remained adamant that it would "...not, I repeat not, be another Vietnam."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|