UnNews:Confederate veterans claim they never lost
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Confederate veterans claim they never lost
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 29, 2016, 00:22:UTC)(
20 April 2006
A ragged group of what appeared to be angry old men stumbled toward the White House lawn in a drunked stupor weilding picket signs demanding Confederate independence. A reporter approached the living corpses and was promptly donounced by their leader as a damn carpet bagger and a lincoln lover. The leader of the veterans,Nathan Bedford Forest, claims the people of the South never lost the Civil War over 150 years ago. He bases his claims on the fact that he and his neighbors have been convening for congressional assembaly since the war ended. His "secret" conferacy has been reaking havok on his local town of Dulin, Alabama and the mayor finally supplied them with plane tickets to the nations capital.
"I even got me four of them negro slaves so you can just shove your emancipation proclamation up your damnyankee asses," Forrest said.
The Bush administration has agreed to let Forrest's 4 acre plot of land to seccede from the union. On hearing the news he and his party let out a rebel yell that could be heard scarcly 30 feet away. Apperently the vodoo magic that had kept the veterans alive was wearing off and needed to be replenished with human flesh. The confederates were not just angry rednecks but zombies too. On hearing the Secret Service reports President George W. Bush knew what he had to do. As they ate Press Secretary McClellan they heard the un-mistakeable sound of a shotgun cocking they turned around and saw Bush: The Zombie Hunter. He cried out "No one eats my Press Secretary but me" and then he charged firing one handed with his shotgun, blowing off undead heads. He did a quadruple front flip and a roundhouse kick sent 7 of the zombies flying. Then he and Forrest had an epic staredown and the Confederate General tried futilly to bite the great preserver of the union but to no avail because just then he flinged 30 shurikens into the zombies face. The horror was over and with a flash the ghost of Abraham Lincoln apeared and said "You've done the republican party proud George, I guess it is true, you are the greatest president ever". And just like that he was gone leaving bush wondering what the fuck had just happened. I'm shooting this down as complete crap
- "[ The Confederate Underground]". ElStabadore Inc, April 19, 2006