Complacent Obama beats wife during economic debate

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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4 October 2012


Cocksure: President Obama is said to have already ordered new IKEA furniture for the Whitehouse.

DENVER, Colorado -- Kenyan-born President of the United States Barack Obama was accused of complacency yesterday when he lost an economic debate with rival Mitt Romney after beating his wife Michelle Obama on live television.

Obama has enjoyed an easy ride of late after Romney made a string of political gaffes. In July, whilst on an official visit to the United Kingdom before the Olympic Games, the Republican Party candidate described the British as, "a bunch of no-good, has-been imperialist pig-fuckers". In August he let slip at a fundraiser that he, "liked setting fire to people who provide services" to him. Then, more recently, he blamed "momentary Nazism" after he was quoted as saying that poverty in the USA could be eliminated if the poor stopped breeding.

Sources in Washington (what does that even mean?) claim that campaigning in such a culture of political fuck-ups led to Obama becoming arrogant. One said, "He started ad-libbing a bit in speeches, hamming it up to crowds, delivering them in funny voices, cocking his lip and pointing like Elvis . Then the drinking began. He said it was boring, all this campaigning, unless he had a little buzz going on. And nobody stopped him. It all kept building up to last night."

Last night was perhaps the most disastrous of the campaign for the Democrats with a clearly inebriated Obama performing badly in the debate. Live opinion polls showed Romney slightly ahead after the former governor of Massachusetts strung together a tense 20 minutes of saying nothing stupid. Then, halfway through answering a question on steel reserves, Obama, bleary eyed and nearing Eastwood levels of incoherency, could be seen gesturing to his wife in the audience. An awkward exchange ensued, with Michelle Obama initially reluctant to approach the stage. When she finally did, her husband lashed out at her with an open-handed right-left-right combination, and slurred, "Don't you... tell me what to do!" This led to several minutes of uproarious chaos in the studio, with Romney initially trying to intervene, before lackeys from both sides prevented any kind of physical altercation between the two candidates. Broadcasters immediately recorded a dramatic fall in approval ratings for Obama, except amongst black male voters.

As soon as the cameras were switched off, Democrat officials tried desperately to limit the fallout, ushering Obama home quickly, his head in a blanket, and insisting that the violence had been 'a planned comic interlude that went wrong'. Only when the sand settles will we know how much damage Obama's unfortunate evocation of Muhammed Ali has done, but perhaps the President can take solace in a precedent: of the last five Commanders of Chiefs, four have been filmed abusing women.

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