UnNews:Company Releases Revolutionary Lead Based Beauty Products
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Company Releases Revolutionary Lead Based Beauty Products
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 27, 2017, 12:46:UTC)(
26 July 2006
A PODIUM SOMEWHERE, Americanialand: Totally Safe Cosmetics has today revealed their new range of fantastic, and of course, most certainly safe cosmetics. “We believe that our products offer a valuable service to the women, and also men of today. I see it as my duty to provide these services for the benefit of mankind.” said Mr Daniel Liontamer, owner of Totally Safe Cosmetics. He added, “And i would most certainly not try to turn a press release into a story to further promote my product!”.
The secret to the overwhelming success to Totally Safe Cosmetics is the addition of metals into its variety of face creams, hand creams, face washes and moisturisers. While this may seem like an odd choice, many other cosmetic companies are also employing the same ingredients. However, Mr Liontamer says, “But Totally Safe Cosmetics is different. We don’t use that zinc or magnesium rubbish, we use metals that actually work, like lead for example.”
Lead is a soft metal, and is added to the products in small amounts to not cause any nasty side effects. Totally Safe Cosmetics appear completely committed to customer safety and satisfaction. According to Mr Liontamer, the idea behind lead being used is due to its softness, will actually soften skin, reduce lines and you will look visibly younger in just 25 minutes! Lead also has a higher conductivity that magnesium or zinc, making your face 50% more conductive after 2 weeks use of the product.
When asked about the safety of lead in the beauty products, Mr Liontamer replied, “Lead has been unjustly vilified. It wasn’t the only reason why the Roman Empire fell! Sure, it was a major contributing factor, but not the only one! The Romans built water pipes out of lead. They were a very advanced civilisation. And therefore, conclusive proof that lead is entirely safe.”
Totally Safe Cosmetics plan to expand their range of products into fragrances. Coming in the next few months are the delicious scents of Adorable Apple Asbestos, Mango Mercury, Fruity Enriched Uranium and Musk.