|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
20 May 2009
LONDON, United Kingdom. Heavily criticised for his "err"-ing and "steady-on now, lads"-ing during the Expenses Scandal that has rocked British politics for the last week, Michael Martin, Speaker of the House of Commons, announced yesterday that he was planning to resign his position following several days of comments such as "the Speaker's position has become untenable" (The Guardian), "For God's sake, go!" (Sir Rumpton Bumpton) and "The haggis-guzzling, kilt-wearing communist Jock should never have defiled such an ancient Anglo-Saxon Office!" (Daily Mail). He had a surprise for the House, however, when he used his resignation speech (delivered in a credit crunch busting 34 seconds) to announce that he would be claiming £70,000 a year in expenses from the hard-working, honest and never ever freeloading Great British Public in the form of a so-called "pension".
"It's fucking disgusting" said a fucking disgusted person in Essex this morning. "I work extremely hard and when I claim a £100 meal and sex with a prostitute on expenses it's because I've earned it by working hard, and even if I haven't worked hard it's still different. These MPs laugh at us because they don't work, they just spend all their time having sex with each other whilst snorting champagne and violating our most ancient civil liberties with CCTV cameras, that's when they're not letting immigrants into the country to do all the jobs we don't want to because we work so hard. It's disgusting, they should bring back Cromwell!"
Martin is only the second Speaker in 300 years to be forced from his position. The last Speaker to leave the House in disgrace, John Trevor, was expelled from Parliament in 1695 for not being Protestant enough.