UnNews:Comittee for Standardization of Business Language founded
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Comittee for Standardization of Business Language founded
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, March 31, 2017, 00:47:UTC)(
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
25 March 2006
Washington DC President Bush signed a bill yesterday, allowing for the formation of a committee to standardize the use of buzzwords and business language. The Buzzword Standardization Act (S. 2124), which was passed by the U.S. House of Representatives with a near full majority earlier this month is intended to stabilize the use of buzzwords such as 'synergy' and 'leverage'. A working draft for a national Buzzword Standard has already been submitted by proponents of buzzword standardization and will be used by the committee as a starting point. The committee is expected to present its final version early 2007, at which point all government paperwork will be required to adhere to the standard.
"This is a great victory for us", commented Timothy Bernson, one of the early proponents of buzzword formalization. "We've been fighting for this for a long time. Throughout the nineties, business language has increasingly become a loose jumble of non-comitting and undefinable neologisms. Just yesterday, I heard the word synergy used in three completely different and contradictory ways. Once there is a formal standard for the use of these words, I'm certain that the erosion of business language can be reverted."
The working draft defines clearly and without ambiguity a precise and scientific definitions for a commonly used business language. 'Synergy' for example is defined as: "The physical quantity that represent the manner in which a conjunction of two or more business entities is able to represent more or less than the sum of said business entities". The standard specifies the letter S for the quantity of synergy and defines mathematically in such a way that a synergy between zero and one represents a conjunction smaller than the sum of it's parts and a synergy greater than 1 represents a conjunction greater than the sum of it's parts.
Empowerment, according to studies one of the most common buzzwords used today, is defined by the standard as "The change in a person's level of emotional power (sect. 3.1), business power (sect.4.2) or personal self worth (sect 3.5) at a distinct point in time." The working draft specifies for Empowerment.
A more controversial point is the word leverage. The much critiqued definition of the draft reads: "The action of controlling a third party through the use of a positional advantage or a quantity desired by said third party."
"This is an absolute outrage" said Business manager Teddy O'Reilly. "I've been using the word leverage all my life, for everything. I would call firing 300 people 'leveraging a personal regrouping in today's market to streamline our core business' and describe hiring a second secretary as 'leveraging our economic potential to increase personal workflow on higher tiers of the vertical picture' in the same breath. If they define all those words to have specific meaning, all sorts of people will be able to understand what I'm talking about. This sort thing will seriously damage the potential for our key players to maximize our intellectual capital. How are we going to be able vertically integrate our mission critical core methodologies. We'll never keep any kind of integrated interpersonal communication in our package of best practices this way." Sulkingly, O'Reilly added "This so not thinking out of the box."
The academic world, however, has responded enthusiastically to the proposal. Already, several papers have been published by renowned physicists, based on the formal definitions of the working draft. Brownian motion of business entities in polar synergy fields, published by Dr. Karl Lomonosov in December 2005, expands on the discovery that Business entities display motions similar to those of small particles in a liquid, when plotted in three dimensional action-item space. Dr. Lomonov describes how bipolar synergy fields affect this new found Brownian motion using Bekensteins synergy field equations. Dr. Leo Raschenbaum's Attraction between customer directed paradigms as a curvature in proactive quality space dismisses the idea of using quality vectors to describe attraction in quality spaces, postulating instead that paradigms move in a straight line through a quality space that is curved by nearby action players.