UnNews:Columbia no longer the drug capital of the world

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23 April 2013

SamNeill
Feels like success - New Zealand's Minister of Finance sampling some New Zealand-grown marijuana.

AUCKLAND, New Zealand -- Long regarded as being the country built on illicit drug production, Columbia has recently been "dethroned" by an unlikely competitor in the world drug trade. New Zealand, officials say, has been dominating the marijuana, heroin, and methamphetamines sectors for the past six years, but only in recent months have they overtaken Columbia's dwindling overall market share of 47%. "We're simply ecstatic" says Sam Neill, Minister of Finance. "As well as being an incredible boost to the country's economy, it feels great to just kick those damn Columbians back down to where they belong".

In light of New Zealand's recent success in the illicit drug market, many other countries such as Iran, Australia, and the Canary Islands are also increasing funding and creating incentives for drug growers. Statistical data from the DEA suggests that Columbian drug exports have lessened in the past decade, and this decline is attributed to the wave of Black Death that has been wiping out most of the population of South America.

"We feel bad for the Columbians, but in truth this is exactly the kind of break we needed." Raymond Miles is a third-generation coca farmer whose brother, also in the cocaine industry, is on a permanent vacation due to continual poor returns from his crops. "It's been hard around this area in the past, because the Columbian product was simply dominating the market. All the subsidization their government has provided helped them in creating a much purer variety of coca leaf." Hours after our interview a worker who was "coked up" set fire to Mr. Miles' crop, driving Mr. Miles into a frenzy in which he decapitated the worker with a finely honed butter knife.

Tensions are still high in the drug industry, but with Columbia out of the way, things are looking up for everybody else.

The World Health Organization was contacted for this article, but declined to comment on their role in the executions deaths of Columbian drug lords or their ties to New Zealand growing unions.

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