UnNews:Colonel Mustard denies he killed Doctor Black in the blast-proof library

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Colonel Mustard denies he killed Doctor Black in the blast-proof library

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Friday, March 23, 2018, 17:30:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

2 March 2011


Someone here is guilty!

TRIPOLI, Libya. Libyan leader Colonel Mustard Al-Gassy appeared in the drawing room to deny he had anything to do with the death of undercover arms wizard Doctor Sirius Black last week.

Wearing his trademark clothing as designed by John Galliano, Al-Gassy dismissed evidence produced out of a top hat that he had killed Black in the library with a rope, revolver, candlestick and an AK-47 to finish off. The two men it was said had been overhead violently arguing about a recent batch of defective anti-democratic spells sent by Black a month earlier.

Al-Gassy said he only agreed to speak to the Al-NoCluedo satellite news network and the BBC so as to reject 'media lies' that he had done anything in untoward in the library - except with his certified Ukranian nurse and that had been administered for medicinal purposes only.

It's lies. I was with my sons and daughters: Chemical Saif, Hannibal the Cannibal, Dijon, Colman's, Beyonce..we were discussing peace and bank accounts. The next thing I know, a band of colour-coded men and women arrived and said I had done this terrible murder.

Al-Gassy's accusers Mrs Hillary White, Mr Commander-in-Chief Barack Brown and Mrs David Peacock said they had 'gosh, tonnes of proof' and tweets pointing to the dictator's guilt. Miss Scarlett Johansson also pointed an accusing finger whilst Professor Ban ki-Plum stayed mum. Only the Reverend Al Green said he was willing to give Al-Gassy a fair trial but only if they could sing a duet to You Oughta Be With Me, tied to a chair by Mr Blonde.


Someone did something here.

Following his interviews with the tv networks, Al-Gassy was suddenly overpowered with Salt'n'Pepa spray and cuffed to local village policeman Nat O'Ploddy. As he was taken out of the room, Al-Gassy made his final plea.

I demand Poirot, ring Miss Marple, send a telegram to Nancy Drew. This is a travesty of justice and I should know, living in Libya.

edit Sources

Personal tools