UnNews:Cold snap hits Perth
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Cold snap hits Perth
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 09:11:UTC)(
18 January 2007
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PERTH, Arse End Of The World, Thursday (UNN Weather, mate) -- Despite global warming, an unseasonal mid-summer cold snap is afflicting the balmy coastal city of Perth, Wesssstern Australia. Wednesday started under an Extreme Cold Weather alert following a frigid twenty-four hours in the city centre, when the temperature dropped below thirty Celsius (86°F in old money) by day and as low as twenty degrees (68°F) at night.
The Bureau of Meteorology forecast shows the cold snap continuing until next week. UV danger is down to only "extreme" from "crispy," but don't forget your factor 2,000,000 sunscreen. Fire danger remains at "possession of matches is punishable by lynching," as normal.
Local residents are shocked at the weather. Men have been wearing trousers extending below the crotch, and women have in some cases been forced to shield their midriffs. "Twenty bloody degrees? Christ, mate, it'll freeze ya tits off!" says suburban resident KT Myspce, her nipples punching holes through her office-wear business pinstripe bikini top as you can see in this photo. The Health Department has considered suggesting people wear enclosed shoes, but thankfully sense has prevailed.
As in any extreme chill, council officials and charities are keeping a watchful eye on those living on the streets. "When it hits, people may not be prepared," says a Salvation Army spokesman, "so they could suffer lessened sunburn and risk of heatstroke. Worst, they could fall asleep and it could result in waking up in need of a second sheet of newspaper."
Thursday could see the mercury go above thirty-five, but it'll dip down again below the thirty mark this weekend. As of Monday, Perth's been under a continuous wet stuff falling from the sky warning expected to last until today, during which it's possible that, in a little-known phenomenon, moisture may actually condense from the air and fall to the ground. Look out for strange white patches in the sky. When you're in your car, remember to be cautious, and take care to tell "left" from "the other left". The Road Traffic Authority has made a chart you can download and keep in your car to take out and read through carefully, if you ever need to tell the two directions apart.