UnNews:Cobra Commander announces candidacy for president
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Cobra Commander announces candidacy for president
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 19:51 (UTC)
23 March 2007
edit Cobra Commander Nominated For 2008 Election
DALLAS, Texas-- Self-Proclaimed ruler of the Cobra Army and brilliant military tactician, Cobra Commander, announced Monday that he shall indeed be running for President in 2008.
“I shall conquer all!!!” shouted Cobra Commander at a recent rally.
“The hour of your demise is up! Ban together and we shall rule!”
Cobra, 37, is a former businessman who transformed into the dictator of the worlds largest privately owned army.
“The only way we could run for office was to join a political party, and the only choice we had was The Working Families party.” Spoke Cobra’s running mate, Destro. The former parties Presidential Candidate in 2000[], Patrick Buchanan, nominated cobra.
“He seems like the only logical choice in this upcoming election.” Said Buchanan.Apart from world dominance, Cobra and Destro hold a number of stances including the legalism of child labor, Gun control, oil prices and the installment of a permanent solid gold statue of himself in town halls across America.
“Even though Cobra and I are constantly disagreeing, we are still the prime choice for the position.” Spoke Destro.
James McCullen, or Destro was at one time the world’s leader in arms distribution. He banded with Cobra and has taken a back seat in his operations ever since. Being a natural born leader as well as a very smart individual, Destro was the only realistic choice for Cobra’s Vice- President.
“Destro shall overcome opposition!”
The American people have been quite silent and withdrawn on the subject of a possible Cobra president.
“You can never trust a snake!” spat Flint, a former GI JOE soldier.
Things do look promising though for Cobra, already the south has pledged its allegiance to cobra for his “Tough” views on capital punishment.
“If you don’t like me, go and cry about it!” says Cobra.