UnNews:Cluster bombs are best-selling toys this Christmas
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
6 December 2007
Vienna, Austria - While their Christmas sales are running wild, producers of cluster bombs are meeting in a conference in Vienna, Austria. They are already planning their marketing strategies and new designs for the years to come. Their slogan will be "Buy your child something explosive this Christmas".
"Today, our customers want colourful, glistening explosives." a spokesman of the industry said in a short interview with UnNews. "Children in our target areas prefer that stuff. The newest trinket is a bomb piece that is covered with blinking LED lamps. It's a bit pricy, but the children love it. They even leave home for them in the dusk and collect the nicest ones."
Another design has resulted in a big disappointment, however. "The Teddy Bear bomb design was planned as a surprise moneyspinner this year by some manufacturers, but the whole Mohammed teddy bear affair has destroyed the market. Children won't touch a teddy bear at the moment. Some of the manufacturers are struggling now and there are jobs at stake, but we hope they will recover. There will always be new designs."
The technology of the popular weapon of mass destruction has improved vastly over the last years. Older models had a certain tendency to explode prematurely, but the latest models come with a warranty. "They will not explode when dropped, only when picked up by a child or other innocent civilian" the spokesman promises. "If you want highest rates of mutilation and civil casualties, cluster bombs are your first choice. And please, don't buy your cluster bombs in China. Those guys still use toxic colours and other unhealthy stuff for their bombs. It's outrageous."