UnNews:Clinton dodges bullets in Bosnia
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Clinton dodges bullets in Bosnia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 18:20:UTC)(
18 April 2008
"They werent really sniper bullets, actually they came from a pistol." She explained helpfully, admitting that her original story was slightly different than actual events.
"See, this guy in a suit comes up and he's all 'Mr. Anderson.' And I figure, like, it's just the secret service dude but then he just starts shooting at me."
Clinton told our reporters. She went on to explain her miraculous escape from the situation:
"Luckily me and Bill had been learning Kung Fu so I did this awesome thing where I bend over backwards and the bullets were all slow like 'whur whur whur'."
Her daughter, Chelsea, recalled her own reaction:
"I shot the guy in the head and I was just like 'Wow mom! You moved like they do'"
As she is wont to do, Clinton turned the vignette into a campaign pitch:
"As you can see, being able to do Kung Fu and moves at supersonic speeds is a result of my experience in the white house, experience which Barack Obama lacks. When you go to the polls in the remaining primaries, primaries that I need to win by a staggering margin to have any chance, think about this: When terrorists attack, do you want a president who is hopeful, or a president who can dodge bullets and then jump inside them and make them explode?"
When reached for comment, Senator Barack Obama responded harshly, calling Hilary's stance against hard working computer programs part of the "politics of fear":
"It is about time that we stopped focusing on issues that divide us: Man and machine, agent and zion, and so forth. I for one am happy to look into alternative energy sources such as hooking people up to giant generators combined with a form of fusion. After eight years of divisive politics it's time we had some unity."
When asked about his stance on the rights of artificial intelligences, Obama was candid:
"I don't think it's fair for Democrats to join in criticism of soulless robots. If I screw up, we'll have one for our presidential candidate."