UnNews:Clinton argues that, unlike Obama, she would be fully dressed at 3 AM
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Clinton argues that, unlike Obama, she would be fully dressed at 3 AM
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, September 26, 2016, 05:26:UTC)(
4 March 2008
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, United States -- After 11 consecutive, embarrassing losses to Senator Barack Obama, Hillary Rodham Clinton is becoming increasingly creative in pointing out ways she differs from her opponent. The most recent among these was pointed out in an ad released by the campaign on Saturday. The ad depicts a sleeping family, kept safe by what appears to be Clinton, fully dressed and working on some random shit, at 3:00 in the morning.
You read correctly; 3:00 in the morning.
"We feel it's important to make this distinction," Howard Wolfson, Clinton campaign manager, told UnNews in an interview. "If China felt like nuking, say, Greece at 3:00 in the morning, Hillary would be wide awake and ready to negotiate." At this, he leans back in his chair, lights a cigar, and jams it between his teeth. After a brief, abrupt coughing fit ("I've never smoked before," he clarified), he continues, "After all, she doesn't require sleep like mere mortals do." Immediately following the ad's release, chaos broke out among voters in the states yet to vote--and those that already have.
"When I voted for Obama, I didn't consider that he might not be awake at 3:00 AM," said a young voter when asked. His face darkened. "I should have voted for Hillary. That crazy bitch doesn't need to sleep." He paused, turned to his kids. "Come on, children. We're moving to Canada." Obviously alarmed at the damage this ad could do to his candidacy, Barack Obama quickly released a response.
"The claim that I wouldn't be awake at 3:00 AM is preposterous," his response read. "Keep in mind that, as a crack addict, I have grave difficulty sleeping."
Whether or not this damage control will achieve its desired effect is yet to be seen.