UnNews:Cleveland set to merge with East Cleveland

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Cleveland set to merge with East Cleveland

Straight talk, from straight faces

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25 September 2016

Boarded-up home

East Cleveland City Council, meeting here, finally conceded to ask the City of Cleveland to adopt it.

EAST CLEVELAND, Ohio -- Two dirt-poor American cities are ready to share the wealth. East Cleveland is in talks to be annexed by its larger neighbor, on the grounds that East Cleveland has ceased providing any municipal services at all, while Cleveland merely does them poorly.

East Cleveland has millions in unpaid bills and hasn't been able to borrow money for years, as selfish lenders insist on "repayment." Consequently, "They don't fix anything around here," according to Robert Occhionero, a resident digging a trench underneath Second Avenue to lay a new sewer line. Occhionero said only five firefighters turned up for a recent house fire, and their vehicle, labeled Animal Control, had neither a ladder nor something to squirt with.

"Nobody wants to live here," said homeowner Morris Glenn. He said he always longed to live in Cleveland proper, God help him; and annexation gets him there without real-estate agents and moving vans. He said some East Cleveland residents arm themselves to protect their property, something he called unthinkable in America.

East Cleveland

Residents stubbornly refuse to keep their homes in good upkeep even though East Cleveland home-delivers free building materials and tires.

The East Cleveland City Council dropped an earlier demand that they all be put on the Cleveland City Council, which would let them out-vote the main city. Cleveland planners believe that handsome properties along East Cleveland's main streets would thrive and perhaps begin paying taxes, if it were not for the word "East" in their addresses. Also the fact that they can't be reached on rainy days.

East Cleveland's request to the Ohio legislature failed to shake loose $10 million from the state's fund for pouring down rat-holes. The Republican Party held its nominating convention here this summer to gloat about another American city ruined by black Democrat politicians (rejecting Flint, Michigan, which is a poor venue for drinking), but none of the resulting prosperity spilled over to East Cleveland, or in fact to Cleveland itself. Ohio Governor John Kasich isn't in a giving mood either — given that the nomination is settled — and did not return phone calls, as he is on an out-of-state publicity tour to argue that Donald Trump is "selfish" and Kasich should have been the nominee.

This November, Cleveland voters will be asked to raise the city income tax from 2% to 2½% to meet pressing needs, such as making the Police obey a federal court order. Annexation would mean that East Cleveland could pay the tax too, spurring civic pride; and changing street signs all over East Cleveland could be comic relief, or at least have visible results. Councilmen will send their nephews out with cans of spray paint to obliterate the word "East" wherever it appears (including on the highway out to Euclid) and their pensions won't burden the Consolidated Budget for almost a decade.

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