UnNews:Cleopatra investigation pending toxicology results
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Cleopatra investigation pending toxicology results
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 15:31 (UTC)
11 March 2012
LOS ANGELES, California -- Even before his death occurred investigators confirmed that Andrew Breitbart died of natural causes, yet the same ace sleuths have not made a final determination in the cause of Egyptian queen Cleopatra's death pending complete toxicology test results.
The investigators have wrapped up the logistical part of both these inquiries after having contacted all Democrats with ties to Breitbart, as well as all Republicans with ties to Cleopatra, and nothing so far appears criminal, sources unaware of the investigation said Friday.
A spokesman for LAPD told Unnews there were no obvious motives or conflicts of interest to be looked into, so tentative investigations indicate that both Breitbart and Cleopatra’s deaths were the result of natural causes. The Breitbart conclusion was reached mere days before he died, but final confirmation on Cleopatra’s cause of death is still awaiting the result of forensic tests which began over 2000 year old.
Breitbart dropped dead on the 1st of March 2012, and unsurprised officials with the Los Angeles County coroner's office said his body had no signs of life and ruled out foul play. More official details on the investigation haven't been released because the Beverly Hills Police were granted a “conclusion” on the case, the coroner's office said. “We didn’t bother to check the toxicology of Breitbart because what’s the use of looking for something we're sure we won’t find? We employ the same logic as the NIST and the 9/11 Commission finding which decided against testing for Nano-thermite in the old World Trade Center’s concrete powder because it definitely isn’t there."
Honestly, Unnews couldn’t care less about Breitbart’s death, but we’re interested in Cleopatra because she was, perhaps, on to something.
- Staff "Houston death probe nears end; toxicology results pending". CNN, March 11, 2012