UnNews:Cleopatra = UNattractive
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
14 February 2007
Newcastle University's Shefton Museum-- Recent studies by academics (that means it's true) has shown that Cleopatra, the beautiful Egyptian Queen famously portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor, was actually an "ugly bitch" according to modern historic study.
William Shakespeare who was famous for saying "I'd hit that!" in regards to Cleopatra took some time to retract that statement:
|When I was finished vomiting I realized the truth: Cleopatra was one ugly bitch. I'm not talkin' Margaret Thatcher ugly or Judge Judy ugly (both them have a strange older-woman appeal which is simply undeniable). We're talkin' about one ugly harlot. I'm sure as hell not gonna' compare that bitch to no summer's day!|
When we asked Elizabeth Taylor about the new discovery she had this to say:
| Well I was talking with Michael. That's Michael Jackson, y'know the guy who's NOT a child molester? Yeah, that Michael Jackson. Well I was talking to him about how he's NOT a child molester when he mentioned the recent discovery and said that she should do what he did. Get plastic surgery, only twice (and not molest children.)
I said that was a great idea and we decided we should bring her to meet Michael's plastic surgeon, until we discovered she'd been dead for thousands of years. So instead we went back to NOT molesting children...[pause]...He didn't do it OKAY?!
Elizabeth Taylor threatened military action against anybody who questions the beauty of Cleopatra noting her status as "Dame Commander of the British Empire" as evidence of her military connections; not realizing that the role is purely ceremonial. Oh well, that's our Lizzie!
Roman writers, when pressed on the issue, claimed Cleopatra was a lovely charming woman with a great voice and friendly personality, but when asked about her looks they murmured amongst themselves before saying "she's not my type."