UnNews:Citibank huffs America, Americans in good spirits, Iranians pissed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
7 November 2009
'Wall Street', CitiBank, after purchasing a slew list of failing American banks, makes a move to purchase the entire New York Stock Exchange, NYSE, on Wall Street this Wednesday. CEO's for Citibank were not available for comment at any one of their 90 headquarter buildings purchased from banks nationwide and not excluding certain Caribbean Island Bank Nations. Swiss bank and Papal Bank CEO's shudder in terror of the rising tide of money huffing power that is Citibank. Despite the turmoil, American's still pretty happy.
Meanwhile, the vast portions of America lay in unrest and disarray as millions of Americans and Mexicans lose their American jobs. As the hour of darkness progresses further, Citibank may get a great deal, two countries for the price of one! Canadians have this to say, "Woah, eh!"
"Aye carumba! Hey homie listen to this story," says one Mexican amongst his buddies, "yo-yo, this is the total shit man, all of us, you see, went to work yesterday and the farmer was like...no no, you got to go, I don't own this place no-mo," the man laughs with his homies and continues his story, "I was like--I gonna put a cap in yo ass if you don't let us pull your cabbage bitch!! Then he was all like no no lemme show you, and showed us a paper and shit with Citibank foreclosure, how fucked up is that shit Homie??"
In other places across the U.S. the same story is repeated time and again, but this time in Rush Limbaugh's home town, Cape Girrardeau, Missouri. Not even the mega-right-wing-conservative could muster up a penny to save his own hometown from inevitable doom. More than 90% of Cape Girrardeau homes went under immediate foreclosure as Citibank bought up the mortgages. "Yup, I lost my pickup, lost my dog, hell they even came and took my front porch, and dag nabbit! I'm a republican too! I voted for Bush/Cheney 'cuz Rush Limbaugh told me too!"
Even the clothes washer giant Maytag vacated all its plants throughout the Midwest for overseas based plants three years ago. Gertie a thirty year employee of Maytag had this to say, "Oh heck ya know, I'm plum tired, but it ain't cuz I been workin' for so long. Its cuz I had my ass-cheeks clenched for the past eight years, I can finally let it all go, since that ass from Texas is out of office. You know that moron that goes by one letter! Dubya! Thats right, I'm happy now, I was starting to get a charlie in my butt."
Other rumors brew in Texas where mass numbers of Iranians are losing their jobs to former companies of the former Silicon Valley II. Early on in "Dubya's" stay in office, Electrical Engineers and similar scientists were losing their jobs as companies like AT&T, Motorola, National Semiconductor, etc., etc. left Texas for a whole other country. Now companies like Slushi Mart, Hucks, Qwuiki Trip are hiring those out of work technicians, engineers, and scientists to operate and manage their convenience stores. An anonymous owner stated, "Oh yes, we find these scientifically minded persons are slightly more efficient than Iranians and usually don't have a weird accent."
Many years down the road from the exodus of the tech companies out of America, millions of Iranians are now out of work. One convenience store clerk had this to say, "Hey, ya-all wanna slushi with that," and laughs, "oh sure the pay sucks, the hours blow, but damn these slushies are the shizzle! Makes me questions why I went to college, but heelll I'm happy." Then he shrugs and skips off like a giddy leprechaun to mind the store. Later, we find out that he had lost both his vacation home and his yacht to foreclosure, while his Dodge pickup and current home are still in bankruptcy proceedings.
While Americans struggle to survive and make drastic career moves, many seem uncaring to the fall of the American economy. On the other hand, the real losers seem to be the Iranians. Millions of them are deported back to Iran daily, without a job to validate their work visa. In Iran, angry mobs grow each day as more are deported back. They demand their jobs back and they demand that their leaders destroy the American infidels. But, for now the the best the Iranian government can do is promise to one day invade and/or bomb Israel.
- FoxNews, pick a story.
- Disclaimer: This news reporter didn't have any money and got his camera repossessed, so you might have seen some of these pictures before, if not never mind this statement.
- Clara Bow "This_velociraptor_likes_to_eat_PISS UP MY ARSE_neckbeards". Wikipedia, April 9, 2007
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|